In light of what’s happening with Roe Vs Wade, I want to share what I’ve learned about abortion as a trusted intuitive medium.
Some of you know my story, but some of you don’t. In a nutshell, I suddenly started channeling messages from children who have passed on when I turned 36. (I'll be 49 in September.) I never believed in mediumship and am, by nature, extremely science-minded. As you can imagine, this was all very hard for me to process in the beginning of my stranger-than-fiction journey. I wasn’t looking for any of it—the kids simply found me. Eventually, I developed partnerships with detectives around the country because many of the kids had been murdered in their lifetime. They wanted me to pass specific information regarding their cases. With that said, murder victims aren’t the only souls who come to me. I channel messages from souls who were miscarried and aborted, too. And I’ve shared messages from those souls with countless moms over the past decade who’ve endured those experiences. Now, this is not something I do for money—it’s all volunteer-based. And I can’t make a soul/spirit come to me; they simply come when they want. Sometimes they share messages and ask me to hold onto them for later…when their parents are guided to me. You can read more about my journey (and WHY all of this happened to me) in my upcoming book, Little Voices. Decorated NYPD Detective (ret) Mark Pucci wrote the foreword for my memoir and we recently launched a nonprofit together called The National Institute for Law and Justice (nilj.org).
Today, I want to share what I hear from souls who’ve been aborted. First of all, our kids pick us to be their parents. Whether they come into the world and live a full human life or not. Where abortion is concerned, they say that they knew about it from the get go and even influenced the mother’s decision so there are NO hard feelings. There is only love and compassion for their mom, and many times, the same soul will come back through the mother at a later time to be born into the world. (This happens a lot with miscarriages, too.) Sometimes they simply remain in spirit form as a guardian angel for their mom and family. Abortion is not considered murder by any means. It’s an experience that the soul agreed to experience, in tandem, with the mother’s soul.
There is so much shame and misunderstanding around abortion (and miscarriages). I, personally, endured a miscarriage after Nat and Grace were born. I know that soul is a guardian for me, and I’m forever grateful for her.
It’s hard for all of us (me included) to wrap our heads and hearts around the meaning of life because it’s not something we can easily understand with our rational human minds. But if you take a bird’s eye view at our collective evolution over the past 100 years, you can see where we were on the right side of history, leading with respect and love for all human beings regardless of race, class, and gender. When we lead with love and compassion for self and others, we’re moving all of us forward for generations to come. When we lead from a place of control, fear, shame, restriction, and separation, we’re not.
Considering what I just shared about the soul’s view of abortion, do you think the movement to overturn Roe vs Wade leads from a place of love and compassion or control, restriction, and fear?
I know my answer. And I know our 19-year-old daughter’s answer. Last night, while we were getting ready for bed, she sent me this text:
“I’m very scared.”
My heart sunk into my stomach. Naturally, I did my best to calm her fears but I knew it wasn’t enough. I shared articles about what states like CA and OR are doing to protect women's rights. But I knew I couldn’t say for certain that she wouldn’t—that women and girls wouldn’t—lose their right to control their own bodies. A few minutes later, my phone lit up again with her reply.
“It’s so depressing knowing that in this world I’m only considered a mother for a child and a body for a man.”
It really is, baby girl, it really is.
*Posted with my daughter's permission.
After I shared what happened this past week regarding a mass my doctor found on my cervix, I received a kind, supportive message from a friend of mine. Gretchen and I haven’t seen each other in years and we don’t talk regularly, but ever since we met four years ago at a party, I knew she was one of those special, soulful people that lights up every room she enters.
When Gretchen heard the news of the mass, she reached out asking if the doctor I mentioned that I’m seeing this week was the same one she saw for her hysterectomy. Indeed, he is the same doctor. She offered to tell me about her experience with him so I called her up and we spoke for an hour.
I never could have predicted what happened during the call.
While she told me that I’d unknowingly been paired with the best gynecological surgeon in town, she also shared that she, too, had endured childhood sexual abuse. And she endured painful cervical procedures. Turns out, she also suffered from polycystic ovarian syndrome (like me) for many years until her hysterectomy.
It seems what my grandmother (in spirit) and Jason (in spirit) told me about stored trauma in the body creating physical issues is pretty spot on. I never doubted it, honestly, but what are the odds that I meet someone with a similar journey and the exact same medical issues?
During our conversation, Gretchen mentioned her mother who passed away a year and a half ago. As I listened to her talk about her mom, I immediately felt Karen come into the room. Chills raced up and down the left side of my body—my sign that a spirit who has crossed into the light wants my attention. (When I feel chills up the right side of my body, I know the spirit has not crossed into the light. I share more about this in my upcoming book.)
I’ve been channeling spirit since I was 36-years-old, but most of the time I channel children in spirit. It’s rare for me to talk with someone about a deceased loved one (adult) and feel that loved one step in unless there is some connection to abuse, murder, sudden death, or suicide. 95% of the channeling I do involves children who are on the other side.
In my mind’s eye, I saw Karen’s outstretched arms holding a bundle of yellow daisies. When Gretchen finished talking about her beautiful mother, I told her what I was picking up—that her mom had just popped in and presented an image I felt strongly I needed to share. Gretchen thanked me for telling her what I saw saying that she related to the message, especially given the fact that Karen was an avid gardener. It’s where Gretchen got her love for digging in the dirt as well.
I never met Karen, nor did I know anything about her other than she succumbed to Alzheimer’s Disease, but I suspected she was an amazing woman given that she’s Gretchen’s mother.
“Kiersten, when my mom was alive, she was a marriage and family therapist who specialized in working with sexual predators. She even went into prisons and worked to help rehab pedophiles and sexual predators."
My jaw hit the floor.
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. No wonder she came through to me. I am a childhood sexual abuse survivor who has worked (as a volunteer intuitive medium) on cold cases involving children who were abused and murdered by pedophiles. I also unknowingly fell for a man who turned out to be an abusive malignant narcissist and sexual predator—one that I have a restraining order against. My story is full-circle, to say the least.
And now, here I was in this incredibly full-circle moment.
I couldn’t believe that we both worked to stop sexual predators. Of course, I don’t work the same way Karen did, but still, our mission is now and forever the same: ending sexual abuse. I applaud her efforts to do what I’m sure few dare to do. What an incredible warrior she was...and still is.
Shortly after Gretchen’s mom came and went, we talked a little longer about what I will likely face in my appointment this Thursday. Gretchen helped me feel at ease about the doctor we share, the process, the surgery, and the aftermath.
I am enormously grateful to these two incredible angels. Gretchen and Karen, you have touched my life in ways I can never fully express.
And you’ve shown me, once again, that even in dark times there is light.
Related: Nate's Story (Spirit Story) and TEDx Talk
I’ve vacillated multiple times about whether I should share what I’m about to share. Ultimately, I decided to talk about this part of my journey as it unfolds. And include all of its hard, embarrassing, jaw-dropping nuggets of truth.
So here goes…
Three days ago, a doctor found a mass on my cervix. Not a small, strain-to-see kind of mass, but rather a mass that made itself known immediately.
What led me to the doctor’s office wasn’t a list of symptoms or a feeling that I might have something wrong with my cervix. It was a fear that a tampon had gotten “lost.” I didn’t really have any proof other than the occasional sensation that something felt off. Even though we women don’t talk about it openly, the accidental lost tampon is something that has happened to countless women.
After I finally realized I needed a professional to step in, I donned my cloak of shame and jumped in the car next to Scott. When I got to Planned Parenthood, because I couldn’t get into my regular OBGYN clinic, I sheepishly told them what I thought was happening. The front office person didn’t seem phased at all. Still, I felt pretty embarrassed by it all.
While waiting for the doctor to come in, I sat perched on the exam table thinking about how much I HATED these types of appointments, and how much I wished my husband could have been in the room with me. He's normally by my side holding my hand because he knows how hard it is from me as a sexual abuse survivor. Because of COVID, he wasn’t allowed in, so he waited in the car.
The doctor and nurse team made me feel a little more comfortable by telling me that what I thought I’d done is pretty common. I also warned them that I am a childhood sexual abuse survivor which makes me, even at the age of 47, want to run from OBGYN visits.
They talked me through what they were doing up until the room went silent. I instantly knew something was wrong. After a minute or so, the doctor spoke.
“Kiersten, I do not see a tampon…but I do see a mass on your cervix.”
I was rendered speechless just before the tell-tale signs that I was going to pass out moved through my body. I did my best not to faint while she continued to poke around. The pain I felt from the exam wasn’t helping; the room started to spin.
After asking if I was okay, she continued, “In addition to the mass I see, a normal cervix is supposed to be spongy when pressed on but yours is hard. You need to get to your gynecologist right away. Do you have a history of cancer or cervical cancer in your family?”
As I gathered the strength to sit up and answer her now that she was done with the exam, I immediately regretted it.
“I need to lie back down…I think I’m going to pass out.”
She comforted me as I did my best to stay conscious. After a few minutes, the world stopped spinning and I was able to answer her question.
“Yes, many in my family have had cancer. My mom has had breast cancer twice, and I remember that she also had a hysterectomy due to pre-cancerous cells. My dad survived a rare form of eye cancer 20 years ago….”
And then it hit me. My grandma. Oh my god, my Grandma Pennington came to me in spirit a month ago and just stood by my side of the bed. She didn’t say a word but I could feel a sense of protection and warning. I naively thought it was about staying COVID-free and didn’t press her for more because I was dog tired that night.
When Grandma was in her late twenties, she had her cervix removed.
I relayed the bit about Grandma to the doctor and she reiterated that she’d be writing up a referral for me to be seen by my clinic ASAP. Her expression spoke volumes showing me that she knew exactly what I was likely facing.
I had already told her that the man I was with while Scott and I were separated had, according to my primary doctor, given me HPV since it had never showed up on my tests prior to him coming into my life. In all my years, I’d only had one irregular pap after Scott and I got back together. And it culminated in a coloscopy. The results came back in 2017 as normal. I was okay, according to my gynecologist.
And now, three years later, I'm not okay.
What hit me like a ton of bricks wasn’t the realization that the HPV was likely the cause of this mass, but rather a memory of a message from one of my guides in spirit (Jason) that happened back in September of 2020. He told me that I needed to put my manuscript away (even though my literary agent was still shopping it with publishers) because I would be adding to it in 2021 before I’d land a book deal. I didn’t know what he was talking about regarding what else I’d add. Nor did I want to believe that he was right about having to wait longer for publishing contract. I’d hoped that one would come by the end of 2020 but it never did.
This. This was what I was supposed to write about. While this revelation didn’t quell my fear of cancer, it did explain what Jason meant four months ago.
After making an appointment for next week with my regular clinic, I dove down the rabbit hole of Google. And I almost threw up before closing my laptop. Immediately after, I picked up my phone to relay the news to my dear friend (and fellow psychic medium) Cynthia Spiece.
She calmed my fear when she immediately started channeling both my Grandma Pennington and Jason. Both had messages for me about why this was happening. And why the mass is here to help me rather than hurt me.
In a nutshell, they said that the sexual trauma I endured at the hands of two sexual predators (one when I was 5 and one when I was 40) had led to unresolved trauma that was stuck in my pelvic region. I am no stranger to gynecological issues having been diagnosed with polycystic ovarian syndrome years ago, but I hadn’t really thought about the fact that I’ve quite literally been carrying the scars of the trauma I endured (and the disease I got from the second predator) in my pelvis. Every minute of every day. And now, I’m finally at the point where I can heal the unresolved trauma by removing those parts from my body.
I’ll know more next week but given my family history and my personal health history, I will likely undergo a radical hysterectomy as well as have my cervix removed.
“You will be okay, Kiers. You were guided to find this right now,” Jason reassured me. “It’s the final piece of healing and the final piece that needs to be added to your book.”
Hearing Cynthia and other trusted intuitive mediums relay the same message was calming to say the least. The “phantom tampon” (as my agent calls it) was indeed guiding me to see a professional when I did.
Before Cynthia and I hung up, I asked her one more question about the doc I will see next week. You see, he’s a man and I haven’t seen a male gynecologist since Grace was born. I was nervous about seeing a male doc given my history of abuse but he was the only one who could fit me into his schedule.
“Kiers, you actually NEED a man to help spearhead your physical healing. A caring man who is the farthest thing from a predator that will finally help rid you of the trauma. Do you see how full circle this is?”
I knew she was right because as I stood there listening to her, tears streamed down my face.
Full circle healing, indeed.
Turns out, I like this new doc already. He's allowing Scott to accompany me to the appointment next week—something they aren't letting anyone else do. Because I told them I am a sexual abuse survivor, he recognizes how important it is that I have my husband by my side during the exam.
I’m sharing this experience on my blog because one in four women is sexually abused in her lifetime. And many of us, myself included, don’t connect trauma to physical ailments that arise long after the abuse is over.
I will be sure to keep you in the loop over the next few weeks. In the meantime, if you are a sexual abuse survivor who is dealing with issues in the pelvic region/kidneys/bladder, etc, I hope you’ll think about my story and possibly find it helpful as you move through the stages of healing.
Also, once again, spirit came in to help me understand the next chapter in my healing journey.
And the final chapter in my book.
**Thank you to Cynthia Spiece, Steph Arnold, Egan Griffith, Yvette Godfrey for passing intuitive messages to me and keeping me sane through this, and thank you to my friends and family who are being so incredibly supportive and loving.
***To those of you who read my blog and are survivors of abuse at the hands of my uncle (or any pedophile) as well as the man I was with from 2014-2017 who turned out to be a predator in his own right, please consider that if you're having physical issues in your pelvic region that you might want to check out the New York Times Bestseller, The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk, M.D. And of course, you can always reach out to me privately.
I'm late to this fantastic book. It was published in 2013 but it's taken seven years, and a random trip to a bookstore in Sedona to get my hands on it. I felt very guided to pick it up the minute I found it tucked away on the bookshelf. And I'm so glad I did.
Annie Kagan penned a book about how her deceased brother started sharing messages with her from the other side. His life was riddled with hardship, addiction, triumphs, helping others, and more addiction. Not surprisingly, he was judged very harshly by others for his choices in life.
But here's the thing...what if he chose an outline for his life that included many of those experiences? This is something I hear from spirit all the time. I have even been told this (by spirit) about my own life and the path I've traveled thus far.
The minute I opened the cover to Annie's book, I instantly related to so much to what Billy shared with his sister, i.e., all of the proof he showed her in order for her to believe she was really hearing him to his messages about why we are here on earth. And just how much we forget when we come into the world.
I want to share a few passages from the book because they are almost identical to what I've heard from spirit (young and old) since coming into my mediumship gifts eleven years ago.
Talking to his sister, Annie, Billy says:
"....We signed up to do this dance together before we were born. We weren't acting out some type of I-did-something-wrong-to-you-in-another-life-and-I'm-paying-for-it-now concept of an eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth. Karmic equalizing of the score isn't the real deal, at least not where I am. It's more a kind of experiment chosen for soul-type reasons that humans have an almost impossible time understanding. And not understanding is an important part of the experiment. If people knew the workings of the experiment, it would lose some of its punch, and that losing of punch, well, that's a little bit of what enlightenment is all about."
"I was done with my life, Annie. I paid my debt, although it's not what we usually think of as payment. It wasn't some price for my so-called sins. It was more a learning thing. How do I know my life wasn't some punishment for my past transgressions? Well, because there's no such thing. You're not on earth to be punished. It's not about sin and punishment. That's a human concept. Something man made up. Humans make up stuff and then they believe it.... Pain is just part of the human experience, as natural as breath or eyesight or blood moving through your veins. Pain is part of the earth deal, so don't be overly concerned about it. Although I admit I wasn't exactly fond of pain myself.
And how do I know all this? Honestly, I don't know. All of a sudden I know a bunch of things I didn't know when I was alive. When you're born, you pop out, that big pop gives you a kind of amnesia. One of the main things we're doing when we're alive is trying to remember the things we forgot.
There's a different kind of knowledge here. You're really understood, and what a relief that is. So many problems in life come from not being understood or known. People on earth sometimes get glimpses of each other's souls, like when they fall in love. The difference is, here, I am my soul. I'm still Billy but without the body."
There's so much to this wonderful book that mimics my own experience as a late-in-life medium in both what Annie endures and what Billy shares.
In fact, a few months ago (prior to reading Annie's book), I wrote this at the end of my upcoming memoir:
"I see soul purpose around the abuse I endured, too. I could have stayed angry with my uncle and Tony for the rest of my life, but what if there’s a bigger picture I just can’t see? Now, I’m not saying I did anything to deserve what my uncle did—I was a young child who was preyed on by a predator. But what if, as Jason said, some of the things in my life, like meeting Tony, were planned before I took my first breath? What if my soul chose specific experiences to endure, learn from, heal, and then ultimately help others through? What if all of the people in my life are playing roles for a greater purpose?
If the answer to all of these questions is yes, then I can only be grateful for the healing journey. And grateful for the cast of players who helped me and continue to help me live out my soul purpose.
It doesn’t mean I condone abusive behavior by any means, nor does it mean I believe I deserved what happened to me as a child and as an adult. I also know that the men who abused me didn’t deserve to be treated the way they were when they were young. They, too, were forced into the cycle of abuse and, thus far, have not been able to break free in all areas of their lives. That’s their choice and journey."
Learning about life purpose and life struggles from those who have already passed on has been such a gift.
Just like The Afterlife of Billy Fingers is a gift.
For anyone wanting to learn more about why we are here and what happens after we leave our bodies, I highly recommend picking up Annie's book. It just might change your perspective on everything.