"He is going to flip the script. It's what they do." -- Dr. Bottello, my psychologist.
Surviving narcissitic abuse is one helluva journey. When you finally get out of it, it makes you realize how much your life was turned on its head. As a person who managed to live 40 years of my life with loving, grounded men around me, I was not prepared for the, excuse my French, "mind fuck" of this type of a relationship.
Flipping the script—or making the other person out to be the one with the disorder or the abuser—is in the narsisstic abuse playbook. I knew this was part of the game and was warned it would happen but I wasn't prepared for how it would make me feel to endure it. I mean, come on, right?!?! I knew it was coming! But I'm still human and it still hurts to be the one on the receiving end of abuse in the relationship and the one who is now painted as the abuser.
I remember asking both of my therapists if I am truly OK. Do I have something wrong with me? Was I not seeing it? Seriously, was HE right? Maybe he was on to something I couldn't wrap my brain around. Welcome to life after this kind of abuse. I was thankfully told by my psychologist and my therapist that no, my personality is fully in-tact. No splintering. While I do tend to dissociate from my inner child (due to childhood trauma), I am NOT suffering from a personality disorder. I am simply recovering from three years of narcissistic abuse.
I'm not gonna sugar coat it. Recovering from this type of relationship is not easy. It's a slow process of coming back into myself. You're groomed to always think of your partner constantly—tending to needs, anticipating reactions, doing whatever you can to get back to the good part of the relationship and not piss them off—that it's not easy to just move on, like many people suggest. It's easy for them to move on because when the gig is up, the gig is up. Sure, moving on from the relationship is complete. Repairing the residual go-to reactions and conditioned behavior, well, that's another story. Thank God for family, friends, and therapists who understand who I was before this relationship and who I am now.
I'm stronger now, that's for sure and getting help from many sources.
I'm rereading The Four Agreements and focusing on this one in particular.
2. Don’t Take Anything Personally
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.
I saw a post on instagram that talks about how narcissists always treat the public better than those close to them because they're obsessed with how they appear to others and their self image. It's why many struggle to believe the victim's story but it doesn't mean the abuse isn't real just because other's can't see it.
I totally understand not believing no matter what is presented or felt. I really do. No one could have told me any differently three years ago. I believed what I wanted to believe. I could love him better than the many women who had let him down. It must have been their fault. I was sure I was different.
Now, I'm becoming a very discerning person who still believes in human goodness but also stands up for herself no matter what and fights to not take things personally.
Hey! I just realized I'm flipping my own life script...and this movie is about to get really freakin' good! :)
“Is there a girl in spirit with dark hair standing in the doorway?”
“Yes, there is,” I replied.
Scott asked me this back in 2011. We were lying in bed and I had channeled this lovely teenager earlier in the day. I remember being surprised and relieved he could see her, too. I can’t remember her name, but clearly, she was there and he could see her. Back then, every bit of validation from others was confirming I wasn’t losing my mind. We BOTH couldn’t be losing our minds at the same time although my scientific mind searched for other answers. Carbon monoxide leak? Too much chocolate? Not enough sleep?
Becoming a medium was far from easy or comfortable but deep in my soul, I knew it was right. I pushed much of this away over the past three years but I’m being called by my soul (and the children) to own it again. It’s part of me. It’s part of each and every one of us, to varying degrees.
I just happen to be an intuitive medium who communicates frequently with kids who suffered abuse, with children who came in and out of this life quickly through miscarriage or abortion, and with other spirits related to helping children in our world.
I haven’t written publicly about the children in spirit who were sexually abused and murdered and started coming to me in 2011. There’s risk and sensitivity around talking about cold cases and involvement in them as an intuitive medium but I will do my best to by not giving away nuggets that would put my family or myself in harm’s way. MANY mediums work on cold cases so I'm not special by any means. I was literally just a woman who fell into it without a plan or intention.
Some of the children who started coming to me were like Nate—they had no association with abuse and passed on due to natural causes. After I started to gain confidence, other kids in spirit started coming in. One child, in particular, came to me and I had no connection to her other than she was connected to a friend’s home/city. Let’s call her Anna. She told me she passed away in the 1980s and that she was murdered after being sexually abused. I had no idea what to do with this information. I wasn’t even sure I channeled it correctly or why she was coming to me. Scott and another good friend of mine who is a gifted medium, Stacey, looked up her name and the area she was from and we found her case on the internet as a missing persons case. Another medium we knew and trusted confirmed the same information we had received without knowing a thing—we just asked about the situation without giving any details.
I knew I couldn’t just sit on this. I had to figure out how to connect the dots and she was guiding me to get ahold of her mom. The thought of reaching out to anyone scared me to death.
I sat on it. I was “chicken,” as my child-self would say. That feeling didn’t last long because more kids in spirit started coming in and giving me their names and details about deaths that occurred between 1980-1995. They all had the same stories: kidnapped, sexually abused, and murdered. Scott, Stacey, and I would look them up by name and sure enough, they would be staring back at us on the computer screen. We joked—because you have to when you’re suddenly immersed in murder cases—that we were like the Scooby Do gang.
Anna was still pleading with me to contact her mother so I nervously did. It’s terrifying to pass messages to anyone but a mother whose child had been missing for 30 years? I was almost paralyzed with fear that I would be the cause of more heartache for her.
I finally reached out and shared the information I had channeled and coupled it with what Stacey channeled, who was just coming into her gifts like I was at the time. Long story short, Anna’s mom believed me and was grateful I reached out. It was the detail of the information that wasn’t known publicly that convinced her. I was relieved I hadn’t hurt her further by reaching out. She knew, as parents do, that her daughter was no longer alive and she was happy that she was on the other side helping other children speak as well.
I had a choice to make at this point. I had to figure out how to communicate what was being said to authorities. This is sooooooo tricky. Most detectives don’t believe in intuitive information and for good reason. There are good, heart-centered, gifted mediums and there are the scammers. I was a mom who built furniture in her garage who never thought in a million years I would be connecting with kids in spirit let alone passing information to the authorities about multiple murders.
I was happy that the way was paved for me. I find that happens a lot, if I’m paying attention. A friend of a friend was a cop in that area. I was able to pass the information to him and that’s where I have to stop, with the exception of saying it eventually led to more detective relationships around the country that I’ve held dear for about six years now. Each time, the dots would connect and the correct information would get to the right detectives who believe in intuition. Looking back, it's amazing to see all the dots connect.
One in particular, Mr. Mark Pucci, and I have set out to work together on many types of cases, not just cold cases. We connected three and a half years ago when we both volunteered to work on a missing person’s case in the NYC area. Our connection came through friends. He’s an ex-NYPD detective who has worked as Executive VP and Chief Investigator for one of the largest, most noteable detective agencies in NYC called Beau Dietl & Associates. He recently left that agency to start his own and we are in talks about how to work together on a regular basis—coupling intuitive information with boots-on-the-ground detective work. I’m really excited to see what the future holds for us.
I’m happy to be back in the saddle again. I’m incredibly grateful to Scott, my friends, my family, my therapists, and my fellow mediums for pushing me to recognize and honor this side of me.
Helping kids in some way, shape or form is what I’ve always done. Now, I get the chance to help give a voice to kids in spirit and it’s one of the greatest gifts of my life.
P.S. I don't seek out cold cases and they don't present themselves often. I only get involved if the child comes to me and it's meant to be. I volunteer my time and I channel much more than details related to crime. Sometimes, folks will ask me to look at certain things they see in the news. And sometimes I help find lost dogs and cats. I'm a smorgasboard when it comes to channeling, really. :)