​When I was little, we had one of those memory card games.  Not just ANY memory card game—one with flags that you flipped over and had to find the match.  I remember liking that game although I don't remember being all that great at it.  I now know that the abuse I suffered as a tiny child—which triggered my ability to easily block things from my mind—has always made it hard for me to remember childhood memories.  Even the good ones are still blocked.  

Fast forward to now.  It's December and I've officially been recovering from narcissistic abuse, as my therapists have said, since July.  One thing I've noticed is that my memory has gotten worse since 2014—a side affect of having endured the kind of abuse I did for more than three years.   The same thing happened when I was little:  I blocked memories.  What's hard about this is it isn't like i can pick or choose what I block.  It just all kinda fades to black.  I have to fight hard to remember good and not-so-good moments in time. 

I noticed this memory decline in other ways, as well.  While I was still in the relationship and I had lined up several on-air hosting gigs where I had to memorize lines to repeat on camera, I struggled more than most.  I had the hardest time remembering the lines to the point where I was panicking about it and had to repeatedly look at the lines on paper.

Anyone else out there dealing with this lovely physical side affect of abuse?  I read the best article the other day that talked about this very thing and how "neuroscience has revealed that long-term narcissistic abuse may cause brain damage."  Fortunately, through healing methodologies like EMDR therapy, memory can be improved.  

A few important things to note from the article:

• There is also a physical aspect of brain damage involved—when suffering consistent emotional abuse, victims experience a shrinking of the hippocampus and a swelling of the amygdala; both of these circumstances lead to devastating effects. 
• The hippocampus is crucial in learning and developing memories, while the amygdala is where negative emotions like shame, guilt, fear, and envy come to life.
• And damage to the hippocampus is a lot more disturbing than scientists initially thought. In a study from Stanford University and the University of New Orleans, they found that there was a strict correlation between high levels of cortisol (a hormone caused by stress) and decreased volume in the hippocampus. The more stressed people were, the smaller their hippocampus became.
• ​The amygdala is known as the reptilian brain, because it controls our primal emotions and functions, including lust, fear, hate, as well as heart rate and breathing.  When triggered, the amygdala is where the fight or flight response is made. Narcissists keep their victims in a state where their amygdala is constantly on alert.  Eventually, these victims fall into a permanent state of anxiety or fear, with the amygdala reacting to the slightest signs of abuse.
• Long after the victim has escaped the destructive relationship, they will continue to live with PTSD symptoms, increased phobias, and panic attacks, due to an enlarged amygdala that has become used to living in a state of fear.

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​​I noticed that I was gaining weight in my mid-section during the most stressful times—the lovely affects of too much cortisol in my system.  I always felt like I was in a state of high alert and started to have panic attacks while in the relationship.  

Also, I literally started pulling my hair out from the stress.  It wasn't something conscious—it was my equivalent to chewing on fingernails.   I would find myself doing it and not even realize it. In a nutshell, I was a complete physical mess.

I am much better now but I still find myself having heightened reactions to any kind of experience that has the slightest overtone of abuse or control and my emotions are really extreme.  

There is no doubt in my mind I have been changed by the abuse but I also know I can fight to heal the damage.  

Now, where are my damn keys? 

* If you've been through this, I'd love to know how you're doing, if you can relate, and what helped you.  
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Reference:
Neuroscience reveals that long-term narcissistic abuse may cause brain damageby Lachlan Brown | Nov 17, 2017


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I wrote a bit about the emotional rollercoaster I experienced while filing for and being granted a restraining order but I wanted to share a little more in hopes it will help the countless women I know in this position.  I had no idea what to expect because I didn’t have any experience with the court system.  I hope what I share below is helpful! 
 
Here are SIX THINGS I wish I’d known or I feel are important to know from the get-go….
 
Do you need a lawyer to file for an order of protection? What does it cost to file? 
No lawyer is needed, however; I did consult with law enforcement and one lawyer. It doesn’t cost anything monetarily to file.  The forms were easily found online by looking up the Justice Court in our/your area.
 
What kind of proof do you need to show?  (This is my experience in Arizona https://www.allenlawaz.com/order-of-protection-arizona/.)
 
In order to obtain an order of protection, the plaintiff must present the following to the court:

• Their personal information such as an address, phone number, employers contact information, the defendant’s name, address, phone number, and the like
• Evidence sufficient to support the contention that the plaintiff harassed, assaulted, or performed an act amounting to domestic violence. Evidence can come in the form of medical records, police reports, and doctor’s appointments
• What they don’t tell you is the evidence must be current, i.e., within the last year of the date you’re filing the petition for the restraining order.
• Once the petition has been heard, a judicial officer reviews the petition and the plaintiff provides a sworn testimony.
• The defendant does not need to be present during this initial process if the judge believes that the evidence is sufficient.
  
  

What is like in the court room?  Do you have meet with a judge in chambers?
You will meet with the judge and a court reporter in a closed courtroom.  You will be sworn in, etc, and it will take at least thirty minutes, from my experience.  I wrote more about my experience in this blog; however, I will say I came to court armed with physical proof in the form of print outs of harassing emails to myself and co-workers, screenshots of online harassment at my place of work,  and a police report from a domestic violence call.

What were some key points made by the judge?
The judge, in my case reiterated, that while this order is in place and protects me legally, that it truly does not protect me from domestic violence, if he chooses to come after me.  He urged me to be aware at all times. What it DOES do is it makes it illegal for him to contact me in any way, shape, or form.
 
If the defendant lives out of state (which mine does), you have to pay a process server to serve him the order of protection before it was considered active.  It’s not cheap. I paid roughly $500 and that was a steal. If the defendant dodges the serving (does not answer the door, etc), then you might have to pay extra for the server to do surveillance to serve him when he is out and about. This is exactly what happened to me. 
 
What if the defendant doesn’t read the order? 
It is still active no matter if he reads it or not as long as he is served.  According to the process server (who writes up an affidavit with photos of the defendant when he serves him), he must touch the envelope.  In my case—and in the case of many others who are dealing with not-so-ethical folks—they will deny their identity.  In my case, he threw the unopened envelope on the ground and denied his identity before driving off.  He also denied his identity when Flagstaff PD called to make sure he knew the order was in effect.  
 
*Side note:  The cop I was working with here in Flagstaff told me immediately that with these types of DV (Domestic Violence) cases, most of the time, the defendant will try to get around the system by sending some kind of message to the plaintiff.  And sure enough, he did.  He sent messages via fake Facebook profiles. I was able to trace the profiles back to him and provided the cops with the information. 
 
If the defendant violates the no-contact order of protection, then a warrant for his arrest is issued. 

Resources:  https://www.allenlawaz.com/order-of-protection-arizona/

This morning, I shared on social media what my friend Sara Sophia Eisenman wrote….
 
"You will very often have to give up your short-term gratification, validation, comforts and even "safety" to actualize what is being asked of you. You will have to go thru blind tunnels and terrifying vision quests. You will have to suffer mockery and attempted humiliation by total fools. You will have to have faith when there is little reason to. You will have to stretch beyond your capacity again and again. You will have to pull miracles out of thin air, and then learn to stand on them.
It will all seem daunting and impossible. You will wonder why you came.
But you will be so much more than fine.
You will soar.
You will be free.”
--Sara Sophia Eisenman
 
I read it three times.  Everything about what Sara wrote resonated with me on so many levels, especially given what I’m doing now and what I’ve been asked to do throughout my life. 
 
I kept fixating on the “validation” part, mainly because my ex used to throw that in my face all the time in a shameful way.  For example, if I channeled and shared something related to a case, and one of the detectives I work with sent "validation" saying that whatever it was helped provide evidential proof, he would say I relied too much on validation as a medium. In fact, his mantra or slogan is “no validation necessary” which makes sense given he seems pretty much entitled to do whatever he wants, no matter the cost or hurt to others. I’ve since learned that as just one of many women (and men) healing form narcissistic abuse, that this is really common.  And that, in the devaluation stage, they tend to do two things:  find your weaknesses and start picking away AND project onto you their vulnerabilities and insecurities.  According to the mental health professionals I know and love, if someone slaps “no validation necessary” on everything but the kitchen sink, they likely need some serious validation. 
 
With that said, there have been times I relied a lot on validation—most people pleasing people do. It’s something I learned early on as a childhood sexual abuse survivor and I think to some degree, because it’s just who I am. I’m someone who wants to be of service but I definitely had some boundary learning to do! I’m lucky that I was taught from an early age (by my awesome parents) that I was worthy and mattered in the world. I had a foundation of strength and clarity about myself that helped to balance the need for validation.
 
When I first started to channel messages from spirit, I was terrified and experienced first-hand what it felt like to not have means for validation.  I seriously thought I was losing my mind. It was something I recognized in my soul as a true calling but still, it’s much easier to be the mom/wife/entrepreneur who doesn’t talk to dead people.  I was not prepared for what I was being asked to do.
 
I had to do so many things without validation.  Like Sara said above, I was knee-deep in “blind tunnels and terrifying vision quests.” I had to make decisions to reach out to grieving parents and to law enforcement.  Many times, I was shaking in my boots! And did I mention the subject matter is not light?!?  It’s death.  Murder.  Kidnapping. Suicide. Miscarriage. Abortion. Gut wrenching stuff. Again, I pretty much felt paralyzed with fear all the time but I chose to trust my intuition and push through the fear.   When I went on Shark Tank, I felt the same fear to a lesser degree, but I dove in anyways.
 
When I started traveling down the road I did three years ago, I had to have faith it was the path I was supposed to take.  Looking back, I truly believe—despite the pain involved— it was exactly where I was supposed to be.  So many wonderful things have come out of it that I never would have predicted—healing and growth for both Scott and me, an opportunity to speak out against predatory abuse which has clearly been a constant theme in my life, and chance after chance to trust myself no matter how crazy I looked to some.
 
As Sara said, if we keep on keeping on, we will all be much more than fine.  As we’ve seen recently with the millions of voices speaking out against harassment and abuse with #metoo, I think we’re more than on our way.
 
We’re about to soar, my friends.  We’re about to be free.
 
*** Thank you, Sara, for always being so real, raw, and inspiring.  Follow Sara here:  thesacredfemme.com and www.facebook.com/sarasophiaeisenmasenman. 

To the woman who bravely wrote to me two days ago about your experiences with him before I came along,

I would love to connect more, if you feel comfortable.  I will keep what you say confidential. You can always send messages to [email protected] (or through my form on the website) or if you'd like to talk on the phone, I'm ready when you are.

Thank you for sharing what you have already.  You have no idea how much it means to me.  I believe every word you say and am so sorry he put you through what he did. Seems to be a pattern, as you've been reading. 

Please reach out again if you feel comfortable.  I will continue to stand up for all of us!  

Forever grateful,

Kiers

This morning, I wiped the sleep from my eyes, rolled over and picked up my phone. My usual routine. A text message was waiting for me from my beautiful, smart, amazing friend who was telling me about some major stuff happening in her divorce. She split from a man who has been horribly abusive and controlling for years. I’m beyond grateful that she’s found a way to escape and create a life of happiness and freedom. My heart swelled reading her messages.
 
What I’m about to share next is NOT self-congratulations or self-promotion—I’m sure some could read it that way.  It’s about women helping women.  Survivors helping survivors.  I told her how proud and happy I am but I’m also worried because I know how dangerous it can be to get out of an abusive relationship. She said, “It’s because of you I have the strength to do this. You have inspired me that I am better than this and worthy of love. I read every word you write.”
 
I teared up when I read that. You guys, it’s working! By so many of us talking about the elephant in the room, it’s helping others find the strength to get out and/or simply understand that what they’re living daily IS NOT love, it’s abuse.  And by writing about it, it’s helping me heal, too.
 
I know many think, “how can they NOT recognize they are being abused?” It’s a hard concept to understand for those who haven’t lived through it, especially when the abuse isn’t something that shows up as a bruise. When subtle manipulation and gas lighting techniques are used AFTER the euphoria of the love bombing stage is over, it’s hard to see clearly. You trusted who you THOUGHT they were and maybe they can get back to being that person. I know this first-hand. Looking back, it feels a lot like mind control/conditioning and that’s hard for me to even wrap my head around because I’ve always been an independent thinker and doer.
 
Just this morning, I had one of those moments where I realized I actually got used to being put down and shamed for wanting to help others who have gone through similar stuff. Because of this, I started operating in survivalist/conditioned way of thinking. For example, I thought to myself if I don’t bring up that I’m helping a friend, then I won’t get put down for it. I’ll just do it but I won’t talk about it.
 
This morning, the difference in my life then and now became really apparent when I was blown away by a text that Scott sent out of the blue in support of what I’m doing.  He’s been so encouraging through it all but it really made me recognize that receiving his text was completely opposite of what I used to experience and allow.
 
I attached a screenshot of his message to me below.
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​My point in all of this is to say that by talking and writing about it, we are helping to create lighted pathways for others to find their way out. Now, I’m not saying everyone needs to talk about it—it’s something you will know in your heart if it’s right for you. All I’m saying is that the cloak of shame and fear that has kept all of this hidden for generations is starting to fray and unravel, thread by thread.  I know personally, I still feel shame and fear but it’s not stopping me from talking about it all. 
 
I say we unravel the whole damn cloak, shall we?!
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