This morning, I wiped the sleep from my eyes, rolled over and picked up my phone. My usual routine. A text message was waiting for me from my beautiful, smart, amazing friend who was telling me about some major stuff happening in her divorce. She split from a man who has been horribly abusive and controlling for years. I’m beyond grateful that she’s found a way to escape and create a life of happiness and freedom. My heart swelled reading her messages. What I’m about to share next is NOT self-congratulations or self-promotion—I’m sure some could read it that way. It’s about women helping women. Survivors helping survivors. I told her how proud and happy I am but I’m also worried because I know how dangerous it can be to get out of an abusive relationship. She said, “It’s because of you I have the strength to do this. You have inspired me that I am better than this and worthy of love. I read every word you write.” I teared up when I read that. You guys, it’s working! By so many of us talking about the elephant in the room, it’s helping others find the strength to get out and/or simply understand that what they’re living daily IS NOT love, it’s abuse. And by writing about it, it’s helping me heal, too. I know many think, “how can they NOT recognize they are being abused?” It’s a hard concept to understand for those who haven’t lived through it, especially when the abuse isn’t something that shows up as a bruise. When subtle manipulation and gas lighting techniques are used AFTER the euphoria of the love bombing stage is over, it’s hard to see clearly. You trusted who you THOUGHT they were and maybe they can get back to being that person. I know this first-hand. Looking back, it feels a lot like mind control/conditioning and that’s hard for me to even wrap my head around because I’ve always been an independent thinker and doer. Just this morning, I had one of those moments where I realized I actually got used to being put down and shamed for wanting to help others who have gone through similar stuff. Because of this, I started operating in survivalist/conditioned way of thinking. For example, I thought to myself if I don’t bring up that I’m helping a friend, then I won’t get put down for it. I’ll just do it but I won’t talk about it. This morning, the difference in my life then and now became really apparent when I was blown away by a text that Scott sent out of the blue in support of what I’m doing. He’s been so encouraging through it all but it really made me recognize that receiving his text was completely opposite of what I used to experience and allow. I attached a screenshot of his message to me below. My point in all of this is to say that by talking and writing about it, we are helping to create lighted pathways for others to find their way out. Now, I’m not saying everyone needs to talk about it—it’s something you will know in your heart if it’s right for you. All I’m saying is that the cloak of shame and fear that has kept all of this hidden for generations is starting to fray and unravel, thread by thread. I know personally, I still feel shame and fear but it’s not stopping me from talking about it all. I say we unravel the whole damn cloak, shall we?!
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UPDATE 11/6 @4:57pm: After posting this blog post today, I received two private email messages from two different women in two different places in the country. I'm truly at a loss for words as to how many women there are who have fallen prey to this predator and endured additional abuse on so many levels. ---------------------------------------- My friend Sara and I were talking about the nature of the witch hunt by other women. She brought it up on Facebook this morning and I felt fire burning inside me about this topic, and the offshoot topic of how women are treated by some women when they speak out about abuse. In a nutshell, this has been my experience: I FINALLY speak out about the emotionally and verbally abusive relationship I was in after being passive aggressively and sometimes just aggressively skewered on social media by him. I speak from my heart. I get really honest about it all. My mistakes and vulnerabilities. Embarrassing details. I talk about what he did that made a judge grant me a restraining order and those are really hard to get! And how he denied his identity twice with law enforcement, and how the affidavit shows photos of him standing at the gas station pumping gas where he was served the order when he denied his identity. Oh, and don’t forget the police report that documents domestic violence—this happened because he was yelling so loudly and I was crying and someone heard it and they were worried about me. Other women start to come forward sharing similar stories because I started speaking about it publicly…
Multiple ex-clients start coming forward and some start speaking out publicly about how he swindled them. A designer for Mod Life came forward exposing how he’s literally taken her name off a sofa design that she created and slapped his name on it. It became known recently that he ripped off another designer in Italy and put his name on the slightly-tweaked sofa, as well. He recently found a workaround (with regards to the restraining order) to try to communicate with me in shaming, manipulative ways via fake FB profiles, to the point the cops got involved again. This is all out there on the blog. I write about the journey that, unbeknownst to me, so many women have been traveling. Women from all over the world who have been through something similar with him or someone else come forward with words of support. And then there are the women who say this: “She’s lying. I’ve never liked her. She needs to stop talking about it and move on. I never trusted HER. I’ve never met him, but he seems like he’s such a good guy….on the internet. Blah blah blah.” REALLY, ladies!?!??! MY GOD, how in the world can sisters turn their back on other sisters? Even when presented with actual screenshots of evidence? Is he THAT convincing? What’s wrong with our society where the “victim” always gets blamed and many times, by other women? I shouldn’t be surprised. So many women were questioning whether or not Cosby really sexually assaulted those 30 women. 30 of them. How much freakin’ proof do we need? Let me tell you first hand, it’s not fun nor easy to come out and speak the truth about any kind of abuse and mainly because of this very reason. I’ve endured this twice now and it makes me sick. I’m sure there are women out there questioning the validity of the testimonies against Harvey Weinstein. Hell, we have a President who spoke about “grabbing her by the pussy” and women around the country said, yeah, that’s just locker room talk. You would think that women would ban together. I mean, come on, we’ve all lived in the same rape culture for generations. We can do better. We have to do better for our own children and generations to come. I get that everyone wants to “look at the evidence” and make a decision based on that but what I’ve experienced is that even with “evidence,” women still want to crucify other women. Maybe they want to believe in the “good guy” persona? Maybe they just want a reason to not like another woman? Maybe they can't face their own shame? Who knows. I can tell you this for certain, though. If you come to me and tell me you endured abuse and/or sexual assault, I will believe you. Period. Dear women who are writing to me about having been with my ex, Thank you. From the bottom of my soul, thank you. I just received another email message this morning from a brave woman. I think that brings the count to 10, now. I know what you’ve been through from your gut wrenching accounts and from my own personal experience with him. Each time I read a new message from a woman who was pursued and abused by my him, my heart just breaks for all of us. If you’ve written to me and would like to share more, please do. You can do so anonymously on my contact page or in comments, as many of you have. I wish I could take your pain away. I wish I could take the feeling of shame and stupidity away. I wish I could get your money back, for those of you who loaned him money or paid the bills. What I CAN DO is let you know you’re not alone. You’re not stupid. You’re a beautiful human being who opened her heart. That’s all. I also want to stress one more thing. Please get STD testing done, if you haven’t. I was diagnosed with HPV after never having had it before nor ever having an irregular pap smear. It’s the eve of my appointment to determine which procedure they will perform to clear me of any early stage cervical cancer. This was caused by HPV. My doctor believes I contracted HPV sometime in the last three years. I wrote more about it here. The good news is that all other tests came back negative which is truly shocking, given the number of partners I believe he has had based on all of the messages I’m receiving. I am here for you. I will listen. You are not alone. ------------------------------ Excerpt from one of the messages I received: "Kiersten, I too am a victim of his abuse like you were.......................I have been reading your blog and you are truly a hero to all of us that have been deceived by this monster. He disgusts me and I feel so stupid for falling for his BS. Karma as you have described seems to be waiting way too long to take effect. I know I should forget and forgive but its just so hard. By your posts you help ease my pain and the pain of so many others. As the tears are running down my face, thank you for all that you have done to stop this inhuman human. Your friend in spirit xxx." I never really got into that tv show, Breaking Bad. It was a little too dark for me but when I thought about what I should title this post, it came to mind. The recovery from what I endured over the last three years is not a walk in the park. It's not the hardest thing I've ever done, that's for sure, but it's not easy. Sometimes I feel like I'm split in two. One side is moving on and so grateful and happy to be back with my true love, and the other side is breaking the bad habit of everything that comes with the awakening of having been in an abusive relationship. As I continue to process it all, learn more, and heal, I still find myself in disbelief that I actually BELIEVED what I was being told for three years. I'd like to think I'm a pretty smart, intuitive person and yet despite that, I fell hook, line, and sinker. I can forgive myself for it because I don't think there's anything wrong with being vulnerable and opening your heart to someone, but understanding how I didn't see the signs and even when I did, how I still hung on for so long is something that is hard to wrap my head around. I think too much, I know this. I'm supposed to let myself "feel" things more, according to my therapist. So here's what I feel right now...
Breaking down all the reasons I fell for the smooth-talking designer-guy is the gift in all of it because I've been able to find myself again. Find my voice. One thing is for damn sure: no matter how he tried, there will be no breaking Kiersten. Scott and I had a date yesterday. At the doctor’s office. We sat impatiently in uncomfortable chairs waiting to find out the results of a whole slew of tests I had done to detect STDs. Looking around the sterile room, I noticed a lack of Highlights magazines but then again, it’s a family healthcare center. We clearly got the room reserved for adults on dates. I admit, it’s not really my favorite date we’ve ever been on, but he held my hand as we thumbed through pamphlets of diseases we don’t have but thought we could have in the future and one brochure about how to detect colon cancer. Did you know you can mail #2 in a box? You can. Sorry…STDs. I need to stay on track. Where was I? Oh yeah, so it turns out that sometime between my last Pap test in 2014 and now, Mr. HPV has become part of my DNA. Not only do I have HPV, but I have lesions on my cervix that will need to be taken care of so they don’t make their way to full-blown cancer. I know I’ll be OK but boy is it a real kick in the gut to realize that most likely, according to my doctor, it’s a sexually transmitted disease I likely contracted two to three years ago (although it can lie dormant in your body for up to 20 years), given the state of the abnormal tissue growth. Apparently, cervical cancer is slow growing and I’m at the mid-way point. I’m very grateful for Pap tests every three years even though I hate them. So what does all of this mean?
And if I’m lucky, we’ll get the adult “date” room at the doctor’s office again. Dinner and a cervical surgery doesn’t have the same ring as dinner and a movie, does it??! :) |
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