Breaking Bad

​I never really got into that tv show, Breaking Bad.  It was a little too dark for me but when I thought about what I should title this post, it came to mind. 

The recovery from what I endured over the last three years is not a walk in the park.  It's not the hardest thing I've ever done, that's for sure, but it's not easy.  Sometimes I feel like I'm split in two. One side is moving on and so grateful and happy to be back with my true love, and the other side is breaking the bad habit of everything that comes with the awakening of having been in an abusive relationship.

As I continue to process it all, learn more, and heal, I still find myself in disbelief that I actually BELIEVED what I was being told for three years.  I'd like to think I'm a pretty smart, intuitive person and yet despite that, I fell hook, line, and sinker. I can forgive myself for it because I don't think there's anything wrong with being vulnerable and opening your heart to someone, but understanding how I didn't see the signs and even when I did, how I still hung on for so long is something that is hard to wrap my head around.  

I think too much, I know this.  I'm supposed to let myself "feel" things more, according to my therapist.  So here's what I feel right now...

• I'm mad that I didn't see a massive red flag waiving a red flag when he told me early on he had an affair with a woman while his wife was pregnant. After already having an affair prior to her pregnancy with a different woman.  
• I'm grateful yet sad that every woman I had some kind of intuition about during my time with him has come forward with details confirming my gut feeling.  He is a massive player and I was played. 
• I am pissed off that in some ways, with some folks, he just keeps moving forward unscathed.  I've lost a few industry friends because somehow, they believe the abuser.  It happens but it's hurtful. Some women (who of course have never been in a relationship with him) believe his stories and believe that I did him wrong, somehow.  It's hard to swallow and I realized the other day, it is bringing up feelings related to what happened to me when I was a kid.  My relative got away with it.  He was able to sexually abuse me and just keep going.  This is hard to stomach for a second time in life but I also believe that time will show true colors for many who can't see them now. 
• I'm happy that I can feel myself healing, thanks to my amazing husband, family and friends. I just wish I could speed the damn process up!  
• I am angry that I sometimes still think about the "good times" we had during our time together. I have to pull myself back into remembering that truly, none of that was real. I believed it was real and it felt real to me, but in the end, it was just a game he played and continues to play with so many. 
• I'm really sickened by what I've learned recently about all the unethical stuff he's done that has surfaced.  In business.  In relationships.  In life.  None of us are perfect and we all make some judgment calls that are questionable sometimes, but holy moly, he really means it when he says "no validation is needed" when he crosses the lines of decency and ethics in all areas of life.  More like no moral compass is needed—what he wants he gets no matter the cost to others. 
• I'm sad that so many people have endured this type of abusive relationship and many of them don't find their way out. It's not like a normal break-up in any way shape or form.  From the get go, we were conned and conditioned. It's not something that is easily undone but I thank God every day that I'm able to go through the process of undoing it.  Some never get there. 
  
  

If you've been in this type of relationship, can you relate?  I'm hearing, from my therapists, it could take up to a year to fully release him from all parts of my psyche and being.  I am now dictating that a year is only made up of six months. :) But seriously, it feels like a slow breaking of everything I thought I knew.  Once the pieces are broken down, I watch them slowly fall off of me like snowflakes and drift to the ground.  

Breaking down all the reasons I fell for the smooth-talking designer-guy is the gift in all of it because I've been able to find myself again.  Find my voice.  

One thing is for damn sure: no matter how he tried, there will be no breaking Kiersten.