Truth #5

I’ve been a huge Dixie Chicks fan for a long time.  Their song, Truth No. 2, sprung to mind as I started writing this. The first part of the song is, “you don’t like the sound of the truth coming from my mouth.”  Yep.  Who likes truth when they don’t want to accept it?  
 
Over the last few months, I have discovered so many truths about myself and about my past relationship that I didn’t want nor thought I would discover. It’s truly life changing. We know reality is based on our personal perception of events, people, and situations that we process through our own filter but does that mean truth is really truth? 
 
I’ve come to the conclusion there is REAL truth.  There are some things that just aren’t subjective.  They are fact.  Here are just a few “truths” I’ve learned over the past few months as I’ve been healing and growing:
 
Truth #1: 
I have always been WAY too trusting.  It’s a lovely idea to have blind faith and believe what comes out of someone’s mouth but it’s also naive.  I have learned that in order to not just take someone at their word, I have to listen to my intuition and the physical reactions that spring up—pay attention to the signals my body gives when someone tells me something. This happened repeatedly during the abusive relationship I was in but I ignored the kick in the gut feeling and overall body shakes.  Instead, I would go back to earlier times in my mind when I felt supported and loved and believe the words, not the actions.  Never again.  Your body tells you what your mind and heart don’t want to comprehend.
 
Truth #2:
I’m not a victim. I own what I did—falling into a relationship while married—was so wrong but I also finally see the big picture.  I made choices based on false reality. I believed in who he presented himself to be with my whole vulnerable heart.  That’s not wrong nor is it playing the victim card when I talk about what happened.  I’m wiser now and I own the pain I caused my family but I also recognize that having never dealt with anyone who operates this way, I didn’t have a way of knowing that what I was experiencing wasn't new to him. Past affairs and relationships told the story of manipulation and control and I chose to ignore the warning signs and believe the facade.
 
Truth #3: 
The next woman in my ex’s pipeline will have specific characteristics and will likely endure similar behavior/tactics.  How do I know this?  Patterns. And proof/truth coming out of the mouths and computers of different women from his past.

So here goes…

• The woman will likely be some kind of healer/therapist who incorporates spiritual principles into her practice.  It’s a pattern.  Big hearts = easier to woo. She will have likely just gone through some kind of break up or is struggling in a relationship.
• The connection will feel so strong and the relationship will progress quickly—too quickly for normal standards. The high she will feel will be no match for her common sense.
• Songs will be shared with this woman with the intention of wooing her and making her feel she’s the only one they’ve ever been sent to by him. After comparing notes, here’s a list of the songs that were sent to each one of us:  Life is Beautiful, Into the Mystic by Van Morrison,  Morning Yearning by Ben Harper, Hold on my Heart by Phil Collins, to name a few.
• She will receive messages of sweet sayings and be called "baby" while she’s being swept off her feet.  Here’s a few of the lines that were common among all of us: 
  • “Baby, ________.”
  •  “I love you then, now and forever.”
  • “You’re the brightest light.”
  • “You make me feel like a teenager/16 again.”
  • “I’ve been looking for you all over the world.”
  • “I want to perform tantric massage on you.” (Insert talking about this one particular tantric massage chair.)
  • “I’m hugging you from afar.”​
• She will be told all about the abuse he endured as a kid. She will want to help him. She will think that all of the women that come before weren’t loving enough and she will be the one to win him.
• She will find out that all of the “truth” that is being spewed on social media is part of the grand façade and he’s already really looked into her background to figure out how to approach her. Every woman is different depending on what he wants.  If he’s looking for a quick good time, there’s talk of tantric massage and his tantric massage business. If he’s in a different headspace, he’ll be completely supportive of all that she is…in the beginning. 
• She will eventually realize that the man who can do shady stuff behind the scenes and deny his identity to law enforcement (as described in this post about getting a restraining order) is not the soulful, spiritual man she believes him to be. She will not believe otherwise in the early stages.  She’ll be flattered by his attention and enamored with who he presents himself to be—an evolved, sensitive, macho man.

 
Truth #4
I couldn’t have avoided this. I truly believe I went through what I did to heal and to learn lessons for growth in this life.  As a medium, I have an advantage of hearing from spirit who want me to fulfill my soul purpose and who guide me along the way.  Warnings were given and encouragement to believe in myself was handed down in subtle and then eventually, very pointed ways over the last year.  Unbeknownst to me in 2014, one of my life contracts includes enduring what it means to be in an emotionally and verbally abusive relationship.  And how to climb out of it.  The climb out of it part was my choice, and a choice I had a very difficult time making for three years. Read:  I struggle with truth #1.
 
Truth #5
Fear is an illusion and truth will set you free. I felt so much fear for so long. Fear of letting people down. Fear of my dark side.  Fear of speaking up. I feared what would happen when I told the truth of my work with spirit and it turned out to be one of the best things I’ve ever done. I feared talking about this relationship.  I feared getting out of it. I feared losing everything including my kids, if I stayed in it. I don’t fear anything anymore. Telling the whole truth, even when it’s embarrassing and humbling, truly sets you free. 


Click here for earlier posts on the subject:
Protect and Serve
I Had An Affair
Part 2: Wounded Attachment
Flashbacks
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