Today's take-away: I'm not Sybil
"You haven't split into different personalities—your personality is very strong. You do not have multiple personalities, you just haven't been able to integrate "parts" of you, like little four-year-old Kiersten who was abused."
I almost kissed my psychologist today when she said that. I truly never thought I was dealing with dissociative identity disorder; however, upon learning about the abuse I suffered, I started to question everything. Not being able to easily access memories from childhood also makes all of this feel really fuzzy.
Apparently, my inner child is someone I need to get to know better and integrate more fully into my whole self. She seems to want attention and love and has been trying to get my attention as well as steering much of the way I react to things in life. I just didn't know this was what was happening. Sexual abuse is what she knows; therefore, abuse equates to love for her. Honestly, it's strange to write about her like this because she's part of me.
My psychologist gave me some exercises to get to know her better. I'm not gonna lie—it feels kinda scary and foreign to me. I'm sure that sounds crazy being that I frequently channel spirit and THAT in itself feels crazy to a lot of people. I'll try anything at this point. I'm going to give it a whirl and trust that she's coming through to me now because I'm fully ready to heal.
One thing that has become very clear over the last few weeks is that little Kiersten—due to the sexual abuse I endured between the ages of 3-6—believes that it's her job to keep a man happy and do what he wants. This is NOT how I was raised by my very progressive, loving parents, but as I grew, I continued to people please and focused on making everything ok for everyone around me, male or female and I didn't even fully realize what I was doing all of these years. It was just who I was—the caretaker, the perfectionist. I'm starting to fully understand the meaning of a mid-life crisis and just how much your subconscious affects your life!
So what's next? EMDR therapy is next. I've heard wonderful things about this type of modality for trauma survivors and I'm hopeful that it will help me be able to integrate Little K.
Like other survivors, I want to heal and move on. I want to honor what I've been through in life but not let it become my identity or consume me. I truly just want to get to know the "REAL" me, the whole me.
6/26/2017 05:00:23 pm
Thank you K.....Love you.
7/21/2017 08:01:13 am
Thanks for sharing this, Kiersten. I think there are multiple paths to healing. Whatever works, eh? Some psychological exercises feel very strange at first. But often if we stick with it, we can feel the subtle changes or aha! moments that tell us we are on the right track. Best to you in this process of healing <3
7/21/2017 12:33:35 pm
I didn't know about EMDR therapy, sounds great. I have been healing little lisa fior awhile now. On this long healing journey, I have been so in tune with what I need to do to heal.. spirit guidance gently led me through it all... In the middle now of healing the last trauma ( the hardest one) peeling back the layers of betrayal over little lisa.. next is the forgiveness....🙏
I used primarily Alchemical Hypnotherapy for integration, which also deals with archetypal energies/inner-voices. There are so many easy things we can do to really start regaining trust and rapport with that wounded child part of ourselves. I have a teddy bear that I love. (It's soft and it makes a good little pillow for my shoulder when I sleep, actually.) I love ice cream and dragons and fairies; and after doing a lot of inner-voice work, I can very easily tell when she is "up" (triggered) and I talk to her in my mind often when that happens and just acknowledge that I hear/feel her. I also re-assure her when she is scared that I am an adult now and can take care of her and protect her. All very helpful exercises.
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