I have questions for you! I'm preparing to put together a Ted Talk on recovering from childhood sexual abuse—specifically coping with repression and its affects. I am gathering information for this talk (and plans for future healing centers) and would GREATLY appreciate your help. If you experienced childhood sexual abuse and repressed memories of it until you were older, please take a moment to fill out this quick six-question survey. It's anonymous and should only take a couple minutes. I'll be sharing the results as soon as I compile the data.
Thanks so much for helping! Kiersten
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Have you seen The Keepers on Netflix? The seven-episode series focuses on the 1969 disappearance and murder of Baltimore nun Catherine Cesnik, as investigated by two of her former students, as well as an allegedly wide-ranging cover-up that protected a priest accused of sexual abuse at the Catholic high school where Cesnik taught. I've been watching this heart-wrenching series and relating on many levels. For one thing, the topic of repression is spotlighted. As a woman who repressed the sexual abuse I endured from ages 3-6, I can relate to hearing about how the memories come back, the shame and guilt that bubbles up, and the emotional pain associated with all of it. Sometimes I think to myself that I repressed the memories of being raped mainly because I was so young, but watching this series and hearing a woman who repressed abuse that happened to her starting at age 14 was another reminder that it truly doesn't matter the age. If the experiences are so horrific the mind cannot deal, repression happens. Just as common is the fact that most of us who have repressed memories of abuse tend to start to recover them around age 40. I can only guess that at 40, we are "whole" enough to be able to handle putting the pieces of our life together at that point. In addition, in the series, one of the women who was abused by the Catholic priest talks about being threatened with her life, and the lives of her family, if she told anyone what was happening. It made me wonder what my relative said to me to keep me from telling anyone. I intutiively feel like it was a mixed bag—fear-inducing threats coupled with supportive, loving manipulation. I'm not entirely sure, though, and feel the need to go a little further into the dark abyss of my memory, if I can. I truly believe everyone should see this documentary. It shines a light on a problem we all know plagues our world but many of us don't have the stomach to really see just how big of a problem we're facing for generations to come. It's beyond time to dive into the deep end on this one. I am reposting a blog post I wrote for The Little Light Project a few years back. I got my butt out of bed this morning to train for a 5K. One of 27 runs is now in the books! While I was running, I was thinking about how I used to need an inhaler to even walk briskly and now I don't. I never understood the power of emotions on the body until this experience.... I want to share a personal story about how releasing the energy of child sexual abuse I endured has helped not only my emotional body, but also my physical body. Five years ago, I would have laughed if someone told me that we hold "energy" in our bodies. First of all, I wouldn't have gotten it. I would have thought they were talking about energy we get from food. But secondly, it just didn't compute with me that something emotional can be stored within and hurt us physically. Skeptical Kiersten was blown away during my hypnotherapy session with Dr. Proiette where we brought subconscious memories to the conscious mind to deal with and release. Prior to hypnotherapy, I was using an asthma inhaler for what I thought was allergy related. I'd been having serious issues with exercise to the point I had fallen to the floor gasping for air after a very easy bike ride. While I saw improvement with the inhaler, it didn't improve like I had hoped. During our session, Dr. Proiette asked if I had lung issues. I hadn't said a word to her prior to her asking the question. After I confirmed that I did, she said, "After this, I believe you will see a big difference in your lung capacity." I was hopeful but still doubtful. How could that be? While in a very meditative, relaxed state (hypnotherapy) where my subconscious could be accessed, I brought forward more detail about memories I was already having on a conscious level. This allowed me to bring them into the conscious mind as I was fully awake during the session. After facing the memories, Dr. Proiette led me through an exercise to help release the energy of what happened to me by envisioning myself as small growing taller and my abuser as tall growing smaller until he was so tiny I could throw him or step on him. At one point, I literally felt myself getting lighter as energy released and I fully embraced that none of what I endured was my fault. Almost immediately after, my breathing felt easier. Skeptical Kiersten thought...but would it last? And would I find massive issues again while exercising? I am so excited to share I have not used my inhaler at all since undergoing hypnotherapy months ago to release the energy of my abuse. Even while walking briskly uphill at 7,000 feet elevation, I do not gasp for air anymore!! It worked! And continues to work. As it turns out, sadness and grief are stored in your lungs. If you have lung issues or constant issues with bronchitis and pneumonia, dig deep to find out what emotions of sadness and grief you could be storing. There are many ways release energy, not just hypnotherapy. I'm including a link below for Self-Acupressure for Sadness and Grief as one way to release these stored emotions that may be causing illness in your body. Self-Acupressure for Grief, Depression and Anxiety I hope so much it's helpful!! I truly can't believe how different I feel physically by finally addressing and releasing the emotions of the past. Finding a psychologist/therapist when you're a medium is a bit of a mine field. I've been lucky to have been guided a few years ago to a wonderful therapist here in Flagstaff who ended up being part of The Little Light Project. But recently, I felt I needed to go deeper—finally start to address my inner child. All signs pointed to finding a new therapist. My dear friend and ex-colleague suggested a psychologist here in town so I reached out for an appointment and was able to get in to see her last Friday. Normally, I research the hell out of who I'm seeing but this time, I just went with the recommendation and was assured by my friend she would be "cool" with my intuitive side. Typically, the moment I start to explain how children in spirit come to me and have led me to pass messages to families and law enforcement, I know whether the therapist is about to go all "traditional diagnosis, like schizophrenia" on me. Or suggest another psychologist. I felt the opposite of that on Friday. One of the things I've come to learn about my intution is when a child in spirit is near and hasn't crossed into the light yet, or my inner child wants to speak up, I will get this weird pulsating/buzzing energy on my right hip. It's very specific. I felt that very sensation all day on Friday leading up to the session. I felt it through the session, as well. It only stopped when I left. My new psychologist didn't look at me like I had three heads when I talked about why I was there. In fact, when I mentioned I was guided to buy a book at the local bookstore that wasn't even housed in the "woo woo" section of the store but was a book about shamanism, she said, "I have that book. It's wonderful." The book is old as the hills and most people aren't looking to read a book about shamanic soul retreival practices. At least most psychologists I know. I talked a mile a minute about everything that's happened in my life over the past four years and my desire to try to connect with my inner child more. Integrate her more. She said, "well, all of these kids in spirit have been coming to you for years, and now she's coming to you because you're ready." Little did I know her speciality is helping people heal their inner child. I feel, through EMDR therapy and some soul retrieval work, I'll be able to finally integrate Little Kiers. Because I was raped as a young child, Little Kiers feels very separate from me and equates abuse with love. It's a very strange feeling because that doesn't jive at all with my adult self. As we were wrapping up the session, she looked at me and said, "I'm excited to see what we work on in the future together." I had also channeled that our meeting was bigger than helping me heal my inner child. She told me she has helped children who have been abused for over 15 years. I told her about my plans to speak internationally on the subject of childhood abuse/represssion and intuitive healing. It's amazing to see how the puzzle pieces of life fit together if I'm paying attention. And it's also such a gift to find a professional who not only doesn't think I'm crazy, but admittedly uses her intuitive gifts in every facet of her life. The thing about repression is it is a blessing and then a blessed curse later in life.
I was chatting with a friend today and thinking about how different my life was before I found out that I was sexually abused as a child. I felt very grounded, secure, and proud of who I had grown to be (thanks to amazing parents!) Thankfully, my brain helped protect me from the abuse until I was ready to deal with it. It's pretty common for this type of thing to surface around age 40. And that's exactly when it happened to me. What I wasn't prepared for was just how little I knew about what I was carrying all these years. Let's take shame, for instance. You find out you endured what you did. Your adult self says, "Ok, I've got this. Let me think my way through this healing. First stop, therapy. That's what you're supposed to do, right?" Talk therapy has never touched my shame. People in my life who behaved a certain way, did. Their actions triggered a response in me I would never have expected. For example, one time I was being my open, smiley self in a very congenial, innocent way with a man I was not involved with romantically and was told in a disapproving way by a loved one, "Way to make him feel good, Kiersten." It was as if a knife was thrown at my heart and unbeknownst to me, my shame. Upon hearing those words, I began to shake uncontrollably all over and cried so hard for hours. Why was I reacting so violently to that statement? Ahhhhh, because I carry shame—inner child shame—that went to the core of me. It wasn't something I ever thought I carried. Of course, that's because for 40 years, I didn't even know it happened to me. These moments are torturous gifts. Your rational adult brain KNOWS you did nothing wrong as a child. You were the one who was abused by a sick individual. But your inner child still feels responsible. I've told friends and family it's like wearing 20 blinders at one time. One by one, they come off. Circumstances, scenarios, and specific people in your life serve to show you what you're really dealing with and show you where healing is needed. And sometimes it hurts more than you can ever imagine. I'm still learning what I'm carrying and how to truly heal the little girl in me. It's a daily process. Some days are good, some are really bad, and more often than not, many are WAIT??? WHAT? kinda days where a blinder will fall off. And while it may be painful, I'm glad to finally be able to truly see. One blinder at a time. |
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