Back in June, I created a survey about childhood sexual abuse. Seventy-three survivors filled it out (THANK YOU!!) and validated what I have learned over the past four years, as a survivor who repressed the abuse I experienced.
Repression is real. It's common, especially in children. It's also widely controversial due to the "false memory" movement. Why is it important to even know this information? What does it matter? 1. The memories may be repressed/hidden but the subconscious brain is still "in the know" and driving the bus, so to speak. 2. The statute of limitations to prosecute varies by state. With that said, according to the National Center for Victims of Crime as published on ncsl.org, "nearly every state has a basic suspension of the statute of limitation ("tolling") for civil actions while a person is a minor. Many states have also adopted additional extensions specifically for cases involving sexual abuse of children. Extensions for filing civil actions for child sexual abuse are most often based upon the discovery rule—by the time the victim discovers the sexual abuse or the relationship of the conduct to the injuries, the ordinary time limitation may have expired. This "delayed discovery" may be due to emotional and psychological trauma and is often accompanied by repression of the memory of abuse. Child victims frequently do not discover the relationship of their psychological injuries to the abuse until well into adulthood -- usually during the course of psychological counseling or therapy. They may not even discover the fact of such abuse until they undergo such therapy." BUT NOT ALL STATES. "Alabama has no special statute of limitations. The Alabama Supreme Court has refused to adopt a discovery rule or any provision to repressed memory claims. Claims must be brought within 2 years of the date of the injury under Alabama Code § 6-2-38" Let's look at the survery results that support REPRESSION IS REAL.... (Please click the READ MORE button on the right to read more....)
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"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter."
Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. I posted this quote today in honor of Martin Luther King, Jr. Day. It made me think long and hard about what so many women and men are doing right now. What a gift to have the ability to share your truth so easily through social media. If you're the one speaking out, it can also be a curse when others want to silence you. As my law enforcement partners and friends have said: "Sadly, Kiers, you have to protect yourself." And they're right. I knew the risk when I started speaking up but I also knew the power in openly sharing the truth despite waves of fear—sharing the whole truth including my mistakes, nosedives, naivety, and weaknesses. To share the part of me that fed on the intoxication of the "love" drug and did whatever she could to feed the addiction, even if it meant hurting those closest to me and allowing abuse. Believe me, it was much easier to be the mom in the garage who won a deal on Shark Tank. I was comfortable there. Since it's human to want acceptance and validation, that persona was a damn good one that was widely accepted by many. But was it the full truth? Nope. We are human beings which means we're complicated—consisting of both light and dark, even if we don't want to believe it or see it. We live in a world that wants to keep a lid on the bad stuff. "Don't air dirty laundry," they say. It's why generation after generation, cycles of abuse replay like a skipping record on a turn-table. Guess what happens when we get REALLY FREAKIN' REAL? Light illuminates the dark spaces.. Light helps others see they truly have choices, no matter if they feel they've made their bed or just hadn't been shown how to take the blinders off. "I didn't know what I was enduring wasn't normal until I started to read your blog. I read everything you write. And now, I'm taking my life back." "The more I read, the more I understand what I went through during my first marriage, and why I felt powerless to change it." "Every time you tell your story, I feel like I get a little bit healthier and further away from his sadistic ways. So please continue to write your story and know that all of us caught in his web of deceit and lies are better off every time you do." This is what healing and forward movement looks like to me—my healing and others. We're not all bad nor are we all good, but if we want to continue to grow and evolve as individuals and as a global society, we have speak out about the dark side of life and our part in it. On this MLK Day, I am eternally grateful for Dr. King and other trailblazers—then and now—that push us to ditch the rose-colored glasses and speak about things that hurt all of us. It is only through speaking the truth and owning our actions, that we can bring more light and tolerance to the world. Thank you, Dr. King, for continuing to shine like the sun, lighting our way to a better future.
Thank you, Julie, for sharing this video story with me. Aside from the near-death experience, Stephanie's story is so relatable to me. I couldn't understand why I was suddently getting messages I didn't understand and seeing spirit I didn't know at the age of 36. It was truly mind-bending for a very scientifically-minded person like myself. I don't know everything (or anything, really) but I do know what I experienced, and there is so much more to life than what we see with our eyes. If you haven't read my story or the story of the first child in spirit that came to me to pass messages to his parents, you can find them here (My Story) and here (Nate's Story).
Stephanie Arnold shares her story below. "When Stephanie Arnold went to the hospital for an emergency C-section, she predicted she would die. And she was right: she flatlined for 37 seconds. She tells Megyn Kelly that should could see what was happening in the OR and elsewhere during her near-death experience, and says she continues to have premonitions today. “I fought; It was not comfortable.” In the wake of #metoo, I'm hearing from women it's really stirred up old emotions and memories of abuse that had been repressed for many years. I've been there. It took me three years to write this letter to my abuser after finding out about what I endured as a child.
I've thought a lot about this: sharing my letter I wrote and mailed (in February) to the man who raped me between the ages of three and six. I've wondered if sharing it publicly was the right thing to do--if it was too revealing. (I shared it initially back in February on this blog.) Then I thought about the people who reach out to me who are searching for answers. Searching for something that might help them heal their inner child. There is no handbook for this. I didn't know how to start the letter, what to write. I had to trust intuition and just write what was in my heart and mind. Maybe sharing this letter will help one other childhood sexual abuse survivor. I really hope it will. ------------------ February 5, 2017 xxxxxxxxxxxx, I’m writing to you because I want you to know that I know what you did to me when I was little. Maybe you thought I wouldn’t remember. Maybe you didn’t care either way. I remember. And here’s what I know. You sexually abused me and raped me when I was just a tiny child. Multiple times. The pain and damage you caused—the subconscious scarring—is something I’ve had to work very hard to recover from over the past three years. You see, I didn’t remember any of it until I was 40 years old. There were clues along the road of life, like having to endure vaginal surgery at age 19 due to scar tissue from you raping me. And many, many other telltale signs over the years told the story of what I suffered because of your sickness, but the dots didn’t connect until three years ago. Until it all started to come back to me because I was ready to face it and heal from it. Here’s something else I know. I’m not the only child you abused. When I ask myself how in the world you could do what you did to a precious little child, there is a part of me that actually feels empathy for you because NO ONE does what you did (and may still be doing) unless it was done to you in some shape or form. Or was promoted within your family growing up. Cycle of abuse. But that cycle stops here. You weren’t strong enough to break the chain. I am. I’m not letting the abuse break me. I pray to God you aren’t still abusing children and that maybe, just maybe, your past is catching up with you. Your conscience is screaming. And I hope you will not turn down the dial on the noise. That you will really think long and hard about how you conducted your life and the wake of pain you left behind you. Know this: You may have violated my body but you did not break my spirit. I am proud of the strong, confident woman I am today and I’m proud to help other childhood sexual abuse survivors reclaim their lives. I’ve thought about whether or not I truly forgive you and at this point, right now, I can’t honestly say that I do. I’m sure I’ll get there someday. But not now. What I do know right now is that everything I’ve endured in my life has made me stronger. I am the person I am today because I overcame what you did, and I’m grateful for who I am and the light I bring to this world. Kiersten "You haven't split into different personalities—your personality is very strong. You do not have multiple personalities, you just haven't been able to integrate "parts" of you, like little four-year-old Kiersten who was abused." I almost kissed my psychologist today when she said that. I truly never thought I was dealing with dissociative identity disorder; however, upon learning about the abuse I suffered, I started to question everything. Not being able to easily access memories from childhood also makes all of this feel really fuzzy. Apparently, my inner child is someone I need to get to know better and integrate more fully into my whole self. She seems to want attention and love and has been trying to get my attention as well as steering much of the way I react to things in life. I just didn't know this was what was happening. Sexual abuse is what she knows; therefore, abuse equates to love for her. Honestly, it's strange to write about her like this because she's part of me. My psychologist gave me some exercises to get to know her better. I'm not gonna lie—it feels kinda scary and foreign to me. I'm sure that sounds crazy being that I frequently channel spirit and THAT in itself feels crazy to a lot of people. I'll try anything at this point. I'm going to give it a whirl and trust that she's coming through to me now because I'm fully ready to heal. One thing that has become very clear over the last few weeks is that little Kiersten—due to the sexual abuse I endured between the ages of 3-6—believes that it's her job to keep a man happy and do what he wants. This is NOT how I was raised by my very progressive, loving parents, but as I grew, I continued to people please and focused on making everything ok for everyone around me, male or female and I didn't even fully realize what I was doing all of these years. It was just who I was—the caretaker, the perfectionist. I'm starting to fully understand the meaning of a mid-life crisis and just how much your subconscious affects your life! So what's next? EMDR therapy is next. I've heard wonderful things about this type of modality for trauma survivors and I'm hopeful that it will help me be able to integrate Little K. Like other survivors, I want to heal and move on. I want to honor what I've been through in life but not let it become my identity or consume me. I truly just want to get to know the "REAL" me, the whole me. |
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