"But he seems so nice and caring..." - Fooled by a Predator

Serial Killer Ted Bundy (Photo Credit: ABC News)

​"But he seems so nice and caring?"

Yeah, well, so did Ted Bundy.

When will we collectively finally realize that some of the most abusive, predatory people in the world are simply playing a role for the masses even though they may seem "nice" on social media or in person? It's crazy to me to think that we, as a whole, STILL believe that the "bad guy" looks like a bad guy. 

Now, with that said, I'm guilty of it, too. I have been known to judge a book by its cover despite the fact that my childhood abuser is good looking, charming, and funny. And my ex fits the same bill plus add a dash of Svengali. 

Predators—both male and female—are the best actors in the world. Most are extremely likable with the uncanny ability to sniff out vulnerability and deep wounds in their prey. They are masters at pulling people into their circle.  

Here are a few things I've learned about predators over the years:

• The act is so good that even close friends and family don't always see the reality of the situation. And just because the abuser/predator isn't abusive with everyone doesn't mean he's not abusive to one or two people in his life.
• Grooming takes a little while so as long as they can continue to be the person they know you want them to be for at least a few weeks, they know they've hooked you. After you're fully committed, they will start the slow devaluation process but it will be sprinkled in between praise so it won't make sense. 
• Social media will be filled with gracious, seemingly heart-centered messages projecting care for friends, family, and followers. Behind the scenes, it's a whole different story. 
• They project like crazy. For example, if they constantly say they are being screwed over by others, it means they're the ones doing the screwing. If you're being accused of cheating, the likelihood of the shoe being on the other foot is about 100%.  It's the closest thing you're going to get to a confession.

So how do you know if you're dealing with a predator?

Pay attention to your gut feelings about a person and don't naively believe what they are sharing on social media or in person. Trust your intuition and the physical signs that help you recognize intuitive hits. The kick in the gut feeling is one of the biggest clues that someone is stealing your power/deceiving you.  And if you venture into a relationship with someone who fits the bill, do your homework. Ask around and/or do a background check to ensure there are no restraining orders on the report.

Predators know what they're doing and how to do it—even if they look nice. 

For more on the subject, check out:

https://www.kierstenparsons.com/blog/childs-play-blockingdiversion-repetition
https://www.kierstenparsons.com/blog/how-to-spot-a-wolf-in-sheeps-clothing-aka-narcisisstic-abuser