I’m just so grateful. Beyond grateful, to be exact. Since 2014, I have had a literal team of angels—here on earth and in spirit—around me, helping guide me through the experiences of the last four years. Regardless of whether or not these folks agreed with my choices, they were there for me. Always. Obviously, Scott is and has always been my protector, even when that meant he had to let go and have faith I would get through what he knew was mine to get through. No matter how angry he was at me, he still respected and loved me, and wanted me to be OK. He wanted me to be more than OK—for me, for our kids, for life in general, whether that meant we ended up back together or not. That’s true, unconditional love. Turns out, Hallmark doesn’t make cards that say, “Thanks for helping save my soul.” They should, though. And the card should have his photo on it. Scott, you are the best of the best humans on earth. And clearly, my #1 angel on earth. I love you beyond 5. In the same vein, I would also be handing out thank you cards to my dearest circle of family and friends-who-are-like-family who never gave up on me. They, too, knew that even if I was choosing the cycle of abuse that had become my life, it was because I wasn’t ready or strong enough to end it for good at that moment. Not that I never would be strong enough to end it. They all knew I would learn what I needed to learn, and become the person I’m becoming today. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for standing by me through thick and thin, and light and dark. Andy, Egan, Mom and Dad, Lorraine, Cindy B, Theresa B, Krista A, Janine, Caroline H, Kari, Ben, Stacey B, Ari, Cathy S, Katie H, Cami D, Maria Louisa, and Julie and Suzi. Your support, love, compassion, grace, wisdom, channeled messages, and sometimes “tough love” helped me find myself, again. I am eternally grateful and love you all, dearly. To my soul sisters in the land of “woo woo,” your messages, guidance, perfectly timed channeling was always taken very seriously, and even though it looked at times like I would never come out of it, your gifts helped me heal more than you will ever know. Yvette, Tracy W, Camilla, Cynthia, Necole, and Lynn B, I am in awe of your hearts, your intuition, and your foresight. Yvette, you and Jason—I just truly have no words to properly express my love and gratitude for you both. Yvette, I remember your son in spirit, Jason, pleading with me through you one night, saying, “Kiers, I died because of this type of drug (an analogy to a relationship in his life).” I could feel his desperation so many times and you both guided me out of the dark hole I was desperately trying to climb out of, yet scared to death to climb out of at the same time. I can’t wait to tell the whole story of the magnificent people you both are, and how we came into each other’s lives. Tracy, Camilla, Cynthia, Necole, and Lynn B—my mind is swimming with flashes of so many moments where you would reach out to me at the exact right moments I needed to hear a message, whether it be a channeled one from my grandmother who was kicking my ass while encouraging me to wake up and see the reality of the situation, or you were simply saying “there’s a bigger picture here than you can see now, Kiers. Keep trusting yourself.” Thank you, thank you, thank you. My heart is with you always. Tracy: http://www.creativeinsightnumerology.com Cynthia: http://reimaginethatblog.blogspot.com Necole: https://necolestephens.com To my wonderful therapists, Deanna Vance and Suzanne Botello—I know I was guided to you. Your heart, intuition, experience, and true belief in me is gift beyond what I ever thought possible. Again, you are angels on earth to so many, and I’m just one of the lucky ones who sat in your therapy chair sometimes twice a week. In the beginning, I was scared to death you would think I was crazy—and you didn’t. Just the opposite happened. You confirmed everything I was feeling and held my hand as I walked step-by-step out of the darkness (and sometimes backwards into the darkness.) You never judged. You made me think deeply and helped me honor all parts of myself. Thank you, for helping me find the light again, and teaching me ways to embrace my darkness, too. About Deanna Vance, LPC Deanna Vance is a Licensed a Professional Counselor at the New Leaf Wellness Building. She has over thirty years of experience in varied settings including Community Mental Health, Group Homes, Schools & Private Practice. Deanna specializes in Play Therapy which is a powerful & effective reparative approach for children. Trauma and Attachment problems have been her expertise. She also enjoys working with adolescents and adults. About Dr. Suzanne Botello, PhD, LPC, Psychologist I am a Licensed Professional Counselor in the Employee Assistance and Wellness Program at Northern Arizona University. I have a PhD in Counseling Psychology, and am a psychology resident, earning supervised work hours toward licensure. I work primarily with staff, faculty, and their families doing individual, group, and couples work. My life is most in balance when I am making art. Having my hands in clay or working in mixed media, using textiles, paper, fiber, old photos, and embellishments, I find myself again and again. My personal mission statement: I help people remember who they are through art, love, and sacred space.
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There’s a beautiful song written by Ben Abraham called "This Is On Me" that resonates with me, deeply. One of the lines is: And some phoenix may rise from these ashes but the fire comes first But the fire came first, indeed—2014 felt like a massive bonfire. The issues we buried deep in our marriage became a huge pile of dried wood, ready to burn. Scott and I married young in 1997—I was 23 and he was 25. I had moved to Charlotte, North Carolina by myself to start my career as a computer trainer. I knew one person in the charming, Southern city, but other than that, it was whole new world. We met in a bar through friends, and four months later, we were engaged. A year later, we married. Scott was in between work right before we got hitched. He landed a new job in sales with HBO in Birmingham which meant, shortly after our wedding, we moved to Alabama. After the move, I found a job at a prominent healthcare company. Noah was born that year, and little did we know, we’d be on the move again one year later. Scott was moving up the ladder—Playboy TV Networks snapped him up. Off to Atlanta, GA, we went. I found a job that wasn’t ideal but was related to what I had been doing and it was somewhat good for a new mom—no travel. We were there for a year before Scott was promoted and off we went to Chicago, IL. We spent four years there and he continued to do really well in the industry, working for several other national TV networks with offices in Chicago. I carved out my career in a new town. I worked for a temp agency at first, and then interviewed for a job that was initially outside of my wheelhouse, with A&E and the History Channel. I put my all into it and learned “media math,” won the President's Award (overachiever), and was promoted to Integrated Marketing Manager during my three-year tenure. Four years after moving to Chicago, we were talking about next steps. By then, we had two beautiful kiddos and a cool life in Chicago, but hours were long and schools weren’t great in our Lincoln Square neighborhood. Scott was offered a great position in a related industry with a company in Cincinnati, Ohio. I loved the idea of slowing down and being closer to family, but I’ll admit, I was scared to a.) leave my career that I had grown to love and was doing really well in, and b.) to put my career on hold and forfeit making my own salary. Not because I thought Scott and I were in trouble, but because I have always been independent and career-minded. We set off for the job in Cincinnati without some critical knowledge. The company wasn’t doing well financially and they were looking at Scott like the Hail Mary pass that would save them. He couldn’t save them—no one could save them. And we couldn’t save ourselves. Less than a year after moving to Cincinnati, we sold the house we’d built, sold most of our stuff, and made the decision to go back into TV. After all, we both did really well in that industry. We both started reaching out to contacts with resumes. We knew we’d have to move back to Chicago, or to LA or NYC. We’d already done Chicago. NYC looked like it was going to be too hard with the cost of living and commuting. LA, it was! Being an acting major, Scott had always wanted to do something on the creative side of the industry so this looked like a good move that could potentially provide both outlets. The only problem was one of us needed a job. He was starting to interview with other TV networks in LA, so naturally that helped us make the decision to move across the country. We cashed out our 401Ks, packed everything in a POD that was to be transported to “Hollywood” by truck, and moved to Sherman Oaks, CA, a suburb of LA. I was freaking out for three months. I knew we only had a finite reserve of funds, despite choosing the tiniest rental house we could find that wasn't a shack, to cut back on expenses. If he wasn’t going to get hired soon, we were in trouble. We had a baby and a four-year-old, and I was struggling with having been out of the industry for a year, at that point. Much to my surprise, it put me behind the eight ball, job-wise. Scott was already making more money because our moves were based on his career and I was facing some resistance for having been out, so naturally, he needed to be the main breadwinner. I had to figure out how to make ends meet, though, because when he did get hired, it was not enough to go around. I did some contract work but it wasn’t steady enough so I made the decision to become a nanny. While I love kids, I’d never babysat more than a handful of times and was scared to death. Would I even be good at this? I missed my marketing career and the fast-paced life of ad sales but also knew the value of having a parent home with the kids and they had already been through a big move. With all of that on my mind, I placed an ad in Craigslist and taught myself to build a website to share who I was and why someone would want to hire me as a caregiver. I took care of two babies, in addition to my own kids, for two years. At the end of the two-year stint, I had a very "mod" idea. I started building furniture without any carpentry skill or design know-how. It gave me a creative outlet and I knew if I sold one toy box in LA, I could make as much money doing that as I was making as a nanny for a week at $8 per hour. Scott was moving up the ladder at a prominent TV network, until he nobly volunteered to back up a woman in his company who he witnessed being sexually harassed by an upper management exec from a different office. The perfect performance appraisal he received two weeks prior meant nothing when he was called into his bosses’ office and told he wasn’t being very “VP-like.” It didn’t take long for them to let him go. We had no recourse and a small severance package. Every morning, I would wake up panicked. Like when we first moved to LA, I was counting the days until the money ran out. He ended up reinventing himself by going into the tech side of the industry. I was building Mod Mom at the time and bringing in what we needed to make ends meet by building furniture all day and some nights, and caring for the kiddos during the day when they weren’t in school or preschool. I was happy I was able to be creative and still work from home. At first, everyone including Scott, thought I was nuts. But it was working and Mod Mom was gaining momentum. And it was helping us stay afloat. I eventually built roughly 400 toy boxes in our garage over a four-year time span. This is where it gets fuzzy for me. Once Scott made the move over to the tech side, I don’t remember how many corporate restructurings /layoffs/or just plain goings-under happened between then and when we moved to Flagstaff. It had to be at least two. We ended up having to declare bankruptcy. I think I blocked it from my mind, honestly. He was smart to transition into more of the tech side because the TV network industry’s affiliate sales teams were all being cut. That was the good part, except the tech side was equally as vulnerable because most of the gigs were with start-ups. While we were living in LA and going through financial ups and downs, I was starting to awaken spiritually, which was scary and stressful in itself. I was confused, overwhelmed, and invigorated all while taking care of the family and growing Mod Mom. Cut to the last company Scott worked for in Burbank. The parent company was based overseas and while they did shut down the Burbank office, they wanted to keep Scott on. A testament to who he is. We saw this as an opportunity to get out of pricey, overly congested LA. Something we both felt intuitively we needed to do for our kids. As a reluctant medium who was being pulled into cold cases, I was also receiving messages about moving. Getting out of LA for a number of reasons but mainly, there was a push for us to high-tail it. Thankfully, Scott has always been my biggest supporter when it came to my intuitive work. He believed in me because he saw the “proof” with his own eyes. He didn’t really question it. He’s quite intuitive himself and he said, “Well, here’s our opening. I still have a job and we can move anywhere. If you're being told Flagstaff, then let’s go check it out.” In 2012, we moved to Flagstaff, Arizona. He had a nice salary because he was still working for the overseas company. In fact, it was a far bigger salary than what most get in Flagstaff, which is appropriately called “poverty with a view.” Let’s just say that the salaries are not commensurate with the cost of living, but it was still significantly cheaper than LA. I had already braved Shark Tank with Mod Mom and won, and I had inked a deal with an angel investor. I was plugging along with Mod Mom and asked Scott to play more of a role. I respect his ideas and creativity and frankly, I was so tired of handling it all myself. This became the first of my “only I should run Mod Mom” lessons. While he had great ideas and I went along with them, nothing was working to really grow the brand. At the same time, the company he was working for decided to pull out of the US which meant they were about to sever his employment contract. Now, we’re living in a really cool town because we were guided here intuitively, but we were nowhere near big industry. Scott started scrambling and took a radio station job but it paid less than a quarter of what he was earning before. I kept hearing, intuitively, licensing was the way to grow Mod Mom so I started to pursue those opportunities while still managing all of the manufacturing and shipping. With Mod Mom and his job, we were making it but barely. We did end up having to sell our wedding rings and most of the jewelry I inherited from my Grandmother when she passed. After eight months of talks, I inked a deal with multi-million-dollar giant, Stanley Furniture, as their salaried spokesperson and they would be producing my line in a licensing deal. They projected five million in sales the first year. I had finally done it! The payout was supposed to be really big, plus I had a steady salary doing what I loved. I was ensuring we wouldn’t struggle financially anymore, after so many years of ups and downs. This brings us up to April of 2014, which was shortly after I was starting to come to grips with what happened to me as a child. I flew to Market in High Point to sign my licensing deal and perform my spokesperson duties only to lose it all because they shut down North American production and their kids line all together. They announced it on April Fools Day, the day I was flying in to North Carolina. I had no idea until I got off the plane. Looking at it from 30,000 feet, the constant financial ups and downs from 2004-2014 took a toll on us but neither of us really talked about it. We would always band together to make things happen but damage was done. I pushed down my feelings at every turn, but the reality was I was losing faith in his ability to provide, even though it wasn’t his fault. Being a natural fixer, I would work day and night fixing life for everyone. Building a furniture company without any experience. Doing it all. I started to resent the fact that we made Scott’s career the focus and I just followed along, reinventing myself in every city along the way. As a married couple, you know there is give and take, but as a life-long accommodator, I was the queen of over-giving and it hurt me physically and emotionally. When I announced in 2014 I was leaving Scott, some close said “we’re not surprised.” Others said, “I thought this would have happened a long time ago.” I was shocked by their responses. I resented--as he’s said in his blog post about what he learned—that the pendulum had swung too far. I felt like I was holding up the world on many fronts—kids, work, guidance for him, strength for him, strength for all of us—and I was about to collapse from the weight of it all. He admits he “lost his mojo,” and ultimately found it again during our separation. He took jobs he had never had to consider before that would be the equivalent of what I did when I nannied and did manual labor-type work. In his words, he needed to grow up and take charge of his career. It’s interesting when I think about the juxtaposition of what we were both going through. It’s common for childhood sexual abuse survivors to become over achievers and accommodators. This means that most live their lives—or commonly into their forties when all of the subconscious stuff starts to break open—caretaking and doing the right thing all the time. That’s what I did. When I met the match that lit the bonfire of April 2014, I had unknowingly come to the end of my rope on top of unknowingly, unconsciously attracting a man who would in essence, replicate the abuse I endured as a child (psych professionals call it wounded attachment). Honestly, I was tired of being the one who handled it all perfectly and with grace. Growing up is exactly the OPPOSITE of what I needed to do. I apparently needed to run free, make mistakes, and channel my inner teenager, like I’d never really done. I had to heal a lot of subconscious wounding and programming that I didn’t even know existed. I still do, but without the implosion of 2014, I don’t think I would have gotten to this place as quickly as I have. And I don’t think Scott would be where he is today, in his career and in life in general. And some phoenix may rise from these ashes but the fire comes first It truly took the fire burning all to the ground, in order for us to rise from the ashes—as a two people who love each other to the depths of our souls, and as individuals who are becoming the people we were always meant to be. P.S. I do not recommend our particular method of burning down the proverbial marital house but this was our path. And in our case, a gift. :) If I had to do it all over again, I’d ditch the kerosene and I’d TALK MORE. Make it known what was going on in my head and heart, no matter if I thought it would hurt him. And I’d want him to do the same for me. Give each other the space you need, as individuals, but also tune into each other. Oh, and know that we’re here on earth to learn, to love, and to grow with or without a bonfire.
Thank you, Julie, for sharing this video story with me. Aside from the near-death experience, Stephanie's story is so relatable to me. I couldn't understand why I was suddently getting messages I didn't understand and seeing spirit I didn't know at the age of 36. It was truly mind-bending for a very scientifically-minded person like myself. I don't know everything (or anything, really) but I do know what I experienced, and there is so much more to life than what we see with our eyes. If you haven't read my story or the story of the first child in spirit that came to me to pass messages to his parents, you can find them here (My Story) and here (Nate's Story).
Stephanie Arnold shares her story below. "When Stephanie Arnold went to the hospital for an emergency C-section, she predicted she would die. And she was right: she flatlined for 37 seconds. She tells Megyn Kelly that should could see what was happening in the OR and elsewhere during her near-death experience, and says she continues to have premonitions today. “I fought; It was not comfortable.” You know how when you’re in the thick of an experience, it’s hard to grasp the big picture lesson? Yeah. Me, too. Except with the lesson that walked into my life in 2014, I was shown very small glimpses along the way, but I didn’t want to see them as truth. Then, after the lesson of an abusive relationship walked out of my life, it still took some time to see all the pieces and truths coming together. I feel like in light of recent revelations, I’m finally there. It’s like everything came together in a movie trailer form. I’m talking wide-screen, technicolor, 3D format. Don’t you wish that sometimes these life experiences came with movie trailers BEFORE the lesson? Here’s my movie preview: Lights go off. Projector flips on. The screen lights up. A door to a bedroom closes. The five-old-girl inside is sexually abused by a charming, distant relative and blocks it from her mind. Fast forward about thirty years. At the age of 36, the once “normal” mom, wife, and business owner suddenly starts channeling messages from children in spirit who were sexual abuse survivors during their lifetime and/or who were killed by predators. Her work leads to partnerships with decorated police detectives around the country fighting for justice. Three years go by until the reluctant medium/mom/furniture designer starts to channel messages and memories of her own abuse by that male relative—a true ah ha moment in her life. Four months after this epiphany, she falls in love with a smooth-talking, sensitive macho man. She leaves her husband for her new life. She joins forces with her new love on both personal and business fronts, and then slowly starts to realize she’s in a controlling, abusive relationship with a man that does not like her working on cold cases that involve sexual predators. She thought, as he proclaimed to her, she was his soulmate—turns out, she was one of five women in his life when he started pursuing her. They split up and she starts sharing her journey publicly. Unsolicited emails and stories from other women he’d been with—some more than twenty years younger than him—flood her inbox making the next ah ha moment come into razor sharp focus. OMG. She fell for a predator. For the second time in her life, she trusted a predator. Now, what is she going to do about it? (This is where I’d like to be shown as some bad-ass woman with bow and arrow like Jennifer Lawrence from the Hunger Games). Ok, so back to what is she going to do about it. She’s going to share her story. Be a voice for others who can’t speak up. She’s going to refuse to be bullied into submission with fear tactics. She’s going to stand up for what is right—always. She’s going to tell her story honestly and authentically; owning and baring her mistakes, her triumphs, her regrets and her breakdowns. The ultimate aha moment comes in learning how and why she fell and then stayed in the relationship, unknowingly healing past wounds to ensure it never replay again in her life. She’s going to cherish the true love story that emerged from all of this—her lifelong relationship with her husband. Lights go up again. It’s really mind blowing to watch it all unfold from this vantage point. Every time I post a new blog, another new woman steps forward baring her soul and truth about her time with him, either in comment or private message. Never once have I received a message that says, “It was all wonderful. He’s a gem.” I truly had no idea so much was going on behind the scenes with so many for so long and right under my nose! (Let me just say, I always believe the women who bravely step forward. But the real OMG moments come when they share screenshots of conversations he had with them, where I can see his photo next to the predatory, manipulative things he said to them.) Thanks to social media, this type of predatory maneuvering is more rampant than ever. It’s so easy for these guys (and gals) to portray themselves as who they know you want them to be and line up back up "supply" on the side, and the soul mate never knows. Just to be clear, I’m not a victim in this. This was one of my life lessons. A big one, no doubt. I trusted him blindly and I have learned so much. I believed he was who he said he was and he would never do anything to hurt me. Just like I believed in my relative who eventually raped me when I was five. My hope is that if you have gone through something similar (maybe minus the talking to ghosts part) and want to share, please do. If you have information you want me to know, please contact me. You can do so anonymously by reaching out to me here on the contact form. To the women he’s currently engaged with, I’m here when you’re ready. No judgment, only compassion. I understand the pull, the connection, and the lessons. Without the brave women who have stepped forward—some with names and some anonymously—I wouldn’t have been able to watch the trailer play on the big screen. I’m eternally grateful to them. And I can’t wait to see how this movie plays out for the rest of my life. I’ve been a huge Dixie Chicks fan for a long time. Their song, Truth No. 2, sprung to mind as I started writing this. The first part of the song is, “you don’t like the sound of the truth coming from my mouth.” Yep. Who likes truth when they don’t want to accept it? Over the last few months, I have discovered so many truths about myself and about my past relationship that I didn’t want nor thought I would discover. It’s truly life changing. We know reality is based on our personal perception of events, people, and situations that we process through our own filter but does that mean truth is really truth? I’ve come to the conclusion there is REAL truth. There are some things that just aren’t subjective. They are fact. Here are just a few “truths” I’ve learned over the past few months as I’ve been healing and growing: Truth #1: I have always been WAY too trusting. It’s a lovely idea to have blind faith and believe what comes out of someone’s mouth but it’s also naive. I have learned that in order to not just take someone at their word, I have to listen to my intuition and the physical reactions that spring up—pay attention to the signals my body gives when someone tells me something. This happened repeatedly during the abusive relationship I was in but I ignored the kick in the gut feeling and overall body shakes. Instead, I would go back to earlier times in my mind when I felt supported and loved and believe the words, not the actions. Never again. Your body tells you what your mind and heart don’t want to comprehend. Truth #2: I’m not a victim. I own what I did—falling into a relationship while married—was so wrong but I also finally see the big picture. I made choices based on false reality. I believed in who he presented himself to be with my whole vulnerable heart. That’s not wrong nor is it playing the victim card when I talk about what happened. I’m wiser now and I own the pain I caused my family but I also recognize that having never dealt with anyone who operates this way, I didn’t have a way of knowing that what I was experiencing wasn't new to him. Past affairs and relationships told the story of manipulation and control and I chose to ignore the warning signs and believe the facade. Truth #3: The next woman in my ex’s pipeline will have specific characteristics and will likely endure similar behavior/tactics. How do I know this? Patterns. And proof/truth coming out of the mouths and computers of different women from his past. So here goes…
Truth #4 I couldn’t have avoided this. I truly believe I went through what I did to heal and to learn lessons for growth in this life. As a medium, I have an advantage of hearing from spirit who want me to fulfill my soul purpose and who guide me along the way. Warnings were given and encouragement to believe in myself was handed down in subtle and then eventually, very pointed ways over the last year. Unbeknownst to me in 2014, one of my life contracts includes enduring what it means to be in an emotionally and verbally abusive relationship. And how to climb out of it. The climb out of it part was my choice, and a choice I had a very difficult time making for three years. Read: I struggle with truth #1. Truth #5 Fear is an illusion and truth will set you free. I felt so much fear for so long. Fear of letting people down. Fear of my dark side. Fear of speaking up. I feared what would happen when I told the truth of my work with spirit and it turned out to be one of the best things I’ve ever done. I feared talking about this relationship. I feared getting out of it. I feared losing everything including my kids, if I stayed in it. I don’t fear anything anymore. Telling the whole truth, even when it’s embarrassing and humbling, truly sets you free. Click here for earlier posts on the subject: Protect and Serve I Had An Affair Part 2: Wounded Attachment Flashbacks |
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