Who has the new The Chicks album, GASLIGHTER, on repeat right now? I do. As a survivor of narcissistic/sociopathic abuse, it feels like it’s written for me. For all of us survivors.
I had never heard the term GASLIGHT until months before the end of my 3-year relationship with a narcissistic predator. Even after I read the explanation of what it meant, it still felt confusing. That's because I was still being gaslit. I was still drowning in a sea of lies and projection. Eventually, I came to understand that all of the times that he called me crazy or sick, or accused me of cheating on him, it was a manipulative way of putting me in my place. And it was the closest thing I’d get to an admission of guilt on HIS part for all of those things. He was projecting everything he was doing onto me. It took lots of therapy for me to understand that I wasn’t at fault. I wasn’t sick. I had to undo the subconscious conditioning that had been hard-wired inside of me since he and I met that fateful day in 2014. I went from being a strong, independent, confident person to a shell of a woman who couldn’t figure out why it had all gone so pear-shaped. To better illustrate gaslighting, here’s a specific example from a few years back when I wrote a blog post about the abuse I endured while working on a project with my ex. I spelled out how he screamed at me when I innocently didn’t think to lock the door to the dorm room in which we were staying, and then he screamed at me that the reason I did that was because I wanted men to come in. It was soul crushing, all of it. As a childhood sexual abuse survivor, he pushed the right button, for sure. Anyhow, I wrote openly about it and received this message from him before I eventually secured a restraining order against him: You are sick Kiersten. And you were sick in Florida. And you're sick from the abuse you suffered as a child not any from me. And the blindness from your parents for their own facade all your life. Being sick does not make you bad. But it sure keeps you blind. And, you've lost the only one with the insight, guts, and the true love enough to tell you. You've surrounded yourself with only enablers. Truth needs NO validation. What happened in Florida got to anger on both sides. And you helped big time! Just as you did all along knowing each button to push, when calm loving truth showed itself, you RAN again to projection and blame....” With love only, xxx Do you see what he did there? He turned it all around. In no way was he calm or level headed EVER. He blew up that day just like he did down he road when the cops were called by a concerned person to our apartment for fear of my safety. And unbeknownst to me the whole time, he was the one who was wanting others to come into his bedroom. Latter I learned that he was cheating left and right with women of all ages. I’m three years healed, now, and it’s all so clear in ways it wasn’t when I was battling the darkness of abuse. If you’re dealing with gaslighting, know that you are NOT in the wrong. You are not the problem. You are being abused. Many thanks to The Chicks for writing such a raw, vulnerable, brave album.
1 Comment
I woke up this morning thinking about how different my life is now compared to three years ago.
Back then, my hair was falling out and I was always on edge. Tears streamed down my face several times a week because no matter what I did to avoid fights, I was constantly doing something wrong in my ex's eyes. This morning, I thought about how far I've come. Just two years ago when Scott and I weren't back together yet but we were spending time together, I was still experiencing PTSD-like reactions. The excerpt below (from my upcoming book called TNF: One Woman’s True Story of How Intuition Helped her Survive and Heal From Abuse) illustrates just how much narcissistic abuse affects you subconsciously. --- We spent time together as a family and we spent time alone just hanging out without any pressure. He saw me through what I know were PTSD reactions to the abuse I’d endured for so long. One night, we went down to one of our favorite Italian restaurants in town. As I sat down in the booth, it hit me that I was still unconsciously choosing the side of the booth that didn’t face the door. In an effort to be fully open with him, I shared my revelation. “Scott, I just realized something,” I started. “What do you mean?” he replied nonchalantly while looking over the wine menu. “Well, I didn’t realize I was still conditioned to pick the seat that doesn’t face the door.” “Wait, that was a thing?” he questioned, putting down the menu. “God, Kiers, I’m so sorry . . . what happened?” “You know how the eye contact thing was a big deal to him?” I said. “Well, one time, when we were traveling, I took a seat in a Mediterranean restaurant that faced the door. It was during the day so the light was kind of blinding me when the door would open and I would instinctively look up.” “Don’t tell me . . . he thought you were scoping out other men,” Scott said shaking his head. “Yes, that’s exactly it,” I went on. “If I wasn’t being accused of checking out other men, then I simply wasn’t present with him. I was too busy looking at the door, apparently.” He reached over and grabbed my hands and said how sorry he was that I went through that, and that I was still going through that. “I just can’t believe that I’m still doing it, even though you are not him, and I know that.” --- It's been two years and a few months since my recovery started and I'm proud to say I no longer unconsciously pick the seat that doesn't face the door, my hair is growing again, and I haven't cried (aside from when I watched the end of The Notebook this morning) in months. Life is calm, peaceful, and fun. The way it's meant to be. If you just left an emotionally abusive relationship, know that it gets so much better. Just give yourself time. <3 For more information on narcissistic/sociopathic abuse, check out these past blog posts: HOW TO SPOT A WOLF IN SHEEP'S CLOTHING https://www.kierstenparsons.com/blog/how-to-spot-a-wolf-in-sheeps-clothing-aka-narcisisstic-abuser PROCESSING THE EMOTIONAL AND PHYSICAL AFFECTS OF ABUSE https://www.kierstenparsons.com/blog/blinders-processing-the-emotional-and-physical-effects-of-abuse ADDICTION: BIOCHEMICAL BONDS OF NARCISSISTIC ABUSE https://www.kierstenparsons.com/blog/addiction-biochemical-bonds-of-narcissistic-abuse “You’ve got to be mistaken.”
“His kids (adult kids) will be devastated if they find out.” “How can you be sure this happened to you? That it was him?” “We were never with him during evening time nor did we spend the night.” (As if sexual abuse can only happen at night.) “You realize being vocal about this hurts all of us, right?” I heard all of these at various times since I came out with what happened to me as a child. These are not reactions from cold-hearted, distant people. They are the reactions from loving, caring, heart-centered women in my family. Hurting them was the last thing I wanted to do but if I kept my secret to my grave, I would not have been honoring Little Kiersten, who carried the weight of all of the abuse for 35 years. I soon realized protection of self and others (others that were not me) was the underlying motivation for the disbelieving responses. And I had every right to be angry as hell. There I was, then age forty, stunned that I was being questioned the way I was, even after all the evidence proving my visions were pretty spot on. At least according to decorated police detectives with whom I volunteered helping to solve cold cases. Granted, no one wants to believe anything like this can happen to a child yet every year 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 6 boys are sexually abused. And these are the “reported” numbers. What about all of the kids like me who didn’t report it because they blocked it from their memory until years later? We are apparently just the ones who “want attention,” according to many who don’t believe in repressed memories. Let me tell ya, if I wanted attention, this would not be the way I’d go about it. I know in my heart NO ONE could have stopped what happened to me. He was going to do what he did, like he did to so many and he was damn good at getting away with it. It’s the hallmark of the sociopath, many of whom are charming, good looking, funny, and easy going. The man who sexually abused and raped me between the ages of 3 and 6 admitted to sleeping with over 100 women, young and old, during his decade-long marriage to a family member. I know I’m not the only child he abused, as well. “It didn’t matter the age, Kierstie,” said one of my favorite people who is now in spirit. “It was and is the cycle of abuse, generation after generation. You’re a cycle breaker.” FUCK. I’m a cycle breaker. A cycle breaker who swears when talking about the weight of being a cycle breaker. Now, if you’ve read my story or watched my TEDx talk, you know that it took channeling information (visions) about other children who had been sexually abused and murdered and subsequent validation from detectives around the country to make me take visions of what I endured seriously. I didn’t ask for any of the visions but they came anyways and when I finally realized I, too, was in the same unfortunate club, it made more sense why I was having the visions of others in the first place. It was scary and emotional, to say the least. I also had to endure gynecological surgery at age 19 to repair what I now know was scar tissue damage from being raped as a very young child. This is not something that’s uncommon, according to fellow survivors who endured abuse around the same age. My first sexual experiences were terrifying and odd. I automatically went into a very submissive, “just lay there” role. It was what I knew to do even though I didn’t remember it then. Later, I would go on to have panic attacks when any kind of weight was on me. The “proof points” just kept stacking up:
But back to what happens when you shed light on a dark family secret. Most times, I can quell the anger I still feel because I know their reactions are very human, very self-protective, and at the core, shame-based. I know they love me and would love to make this all go away for me and for them any way they could. It doesn't make me love them any less. But sometimes, the anger rises. I think about how I would react if one of my kids came to me years from now talking of abuse inflicted by a distant relative. I would do whatever I could to help them and I would be hell bent on advocating for them. You'd have a hard time keeping me from going after (via communication or in person) the person who inflicted the abuse. I would campaign on behalf of my kids sharing what I could have maybe done differently and signs to be aware of in cases of childhood sexual abuse. Hell, I would own it all even though, from a spiritual perspective, I do understand that some things cannot be avoided in life. I naively believed that specific family members who were also hurt by him the most would rise up and want to get to the bottom of it with me—that they, too, would want justice for what he took from me. (My parents have been wonderful—they have shared and acknowledged what happened and cheered on my TEDx talk.) Instead, I realized that everyone has their own capacity to go deep and for many, a couple inches below the surface is about all they can go. Maybe it’s generational? Maybe it’s part of the non-cycle breaker DNA. I’m not really sure, but here are three things I’ve learned from my experience sharing what happened to me with my family:
To all of the warrior cycle breakers out there, I’m hugging you. It’s not an easy road but it’s a necessary one if we are going to eradicate this type of abuse for generations to come. Your voice and your story are important and whether you know it or not, in addition to helping heal your inner child, you’re literally helping heal generations of pain by shining a light on yours. Keep shining and know you have an F-bomb throwing friend in your corner in Flagstaff, AZ who believes you and is grateful for your voice. After all, you’re one of the strongest people on earth—you’re a fucking cycle breaker. * If you'd like to share your story, I welcome it. Please either share it in the comments or send me a message on the contact page. I fell off the red TED carpet dot, quite literally and figuratively.
No, really. I fell off of it—or rather my heel did—when I gave my TEDx talk in Sedona last November. (You can see my slightly-embarrassing blunder in my video below around the time I talk about being a reformed people pleaser. I mean, who falls off the dot!??! Oh, that’s right…me!) And now, 7 months later, I stepped off the dot on purpose. It was never something I thought I’d have to do when I put my application in to grace the TEDx stage, but it became something I NEEDED to do this past week. I simply stopped trying to get my TEDx talk out of TEDx corporate jail. But first, let’s go back in time a bit. It’s June 2018 and I decide to throw my name in the hat for the TEDx Sedona event being held last year on November 3. I knew it was a long shot because I was going to talk about intuition among other things like healing from abuse but still, I had hope. And then the email came! I was being considered but they needed to see a five-minute video of what I was going to talk about. I got right to work on the video and sent it within a day or two. Then came another email about now sharing MORE on video. I had to give them more of my talk so Scott and I spent the day filming clips. This kind of back and forth went on for much of July and August. More videos submissions were suggested...... (click READ MORE below on the right to continue) Photo credit: Homespun Engineer. I kid you not, almost weekly I’m introduced to a woman (and sometimes a man) who has just survived a relationship riddled with narcissistic abuse.
It brings up different memories and reminds me of the subtleties that can be dismissed when you're living in it, like isolation techniques I wrote about in this recent blog post. It’s those subtleties that all add up to one big fat directive: Run. Let’s talk about blocking/diversion and repetition. It sounds like child's play and it certainly feels that way as the receiver. Blocking/Diversion For example, with blocking/diversion, it’s as if the partner dolling out abuse is incapable of going to a place of introspection. Travel back in time with me. About one year ago, I learned about one of the dating site relationships he engaged in (from the woman who bravely reached out to me with screenshots of said communication) while he still making me believe he was only focusing on his kids and was forever loving me. After seeing with my own eyes the reality of the situation, I pressed him about it. I didn’t press him about the relationship, per se, but more about his tactics in the dialogue I read between he and the woman from the dating site. It was clear he was using what I now refer to as “The Script,” i.e., he immediately started wooing her with promises of tantric massage as a way to help her take care of herself and “give back to her.” Within a 24-hour time span of meeting her on social media, he was utilizing his “I’m a good guy who cares about you; therefore, I will take care of you and perform tantric massage and then make love for hours ” technique. Ya know, same old pick up lines most guys use. Ha! As you can tell (read: sarcasm), it's very simlar to "Hi, it's nice to meet you. Maybe you'd like to get coffee sometime?" Here’s where the diversion comes in. When I confronted him about all of the women who were writing to me saying he was using the same lines and tactics (like what I laid about above), I said, “Look, your daughter is young now but a few years down the road she is going to be dating. Would you want your daughter to meet YOU—with your predatory tactics and grandiose promises of sexual healing massage on the very first day of communication? Only to get what you want and then move on to the next woman?” You know what I got? Dead silence. No answer. I can only figure he read it and then completely blocked it from his mind, and then blocked me from getting an answer. He skipped past it and moved on to throwing more mud at me—a diversion tactic. Repetition The second tactic I want to share today—repetition—used to drive me up a wall. In the middle of an argument, instead of dialoguing back and forth like people do who are emotionally mature, he would repeat the same phrase over and over again. For example, in a text argument where he didn’t agree with a choice I made, I would get “Ask Scott and Cindy, they know best” over and over again no matter what I said. No matter what I asked. He would repeat the same phrase more than a dozen times, in most cases. It now reminds me of the childhood comeback, “I know you are but what am i?” It felt like I was trying to reason with a toddler. If this happens or has happened in your life, it’s a tell-tale sign you’re involved with someone who lacks emotional maturity. Outwardly, they can project the image of being wise and mature, but the minute this type of behavior starts, know you’re in a losing battle. You can’t reason with someone who isn't a rational thinker. Blocking/diversion and repetition are road signs telling you to get off the road, now. Exit immediately. I wish someone had explained this to me when I was knee-deep in it—I just kept trying to understand it from his perspective. No matter what the argument is or the context around it, if the person you’re with just stonewalls you with the same phrase over and over again or completely ignores something you say, you’re not with a person who will grow with you. He or she will likely remain stuck emotionally at an age far younger than you can imagine or want. Save yourself from a lifetime of child's play. |
Categories
All
Archives
March 2024
|
All rights reserved. 2022.
|